A couple of months have passed since we said our goodbyes. It is time for me to start a new journey and make a new life without you.
I can only hope that I will be strong enough to make it through. It will be a challenge to not see you everyday, not lay down to sleep beside you, but I will make it through.
I’ve spent the last couple of months in the company of friends. I’ve gone out to parties, bars and tubing in Harpers Fairy. I’ve spent the evening in different places. I’ve been packing boxes, going through our old pictures and sorting things out. What shall I keep, what shall I through away. Will you be doing the same once I leave?
I’ve haven’t shed a tear for you, not a single one. I don’t think the whole situation has hit me yet. I’m sure one evening when I am home alone, I will pull out that memory box and the tears will flow. I feel no pain, no hate towards you. I feel relief and I can breathe. I want for each of us to be happy.
Family has called and wanted to know why, when, what will you do now? All these questions which I didn’t want to answer. They asked if I were happy, sad, and angry? How can I tell them what I feel? They don’t understand what is in my heart, my soul. It is a place they cannot touch. I know that they are only calling because they care, because they love me, but I don’t want to explain. I don’t want the pain to surface; I want to keep it buried down beneath.
I’ve been in good company. I’ve gotten out and partied and enjoyed my friends without the fear of making you upset or wondering when I got home if there would be a fight. It feels good to come and go and do the things that I want to do. I still love and care for you and you will always be in my heart, but it is our time to go, to move on.
I can only hope that we both take something away from our experience. I hope you find someone to love you the way you deserved to be loved, because I could not provide that for you. I could not make you feel secured without giving up my life and my freedom. I felt I was in a prison, that I couldn’t move, speak or been seen without sitting off something. Like walking on eggshells.
I am in a much better place now. I just hope that you know that wherever we go in our lives, you have helped shaped mine. You made me take a hard look at myself and me wake and realize that I have to make myself happy, and I have to love myself before I can love anyone else. I shall miss the things we did together and also your family.
I’m strong enough now to make a better life for myself. I will succeed in the new journey. If our paths shall cross along the road, I will take your hand to mine and thank you for all that you have given me. It is in our moment is weakness that we find the most strength.
Julia and I have a beautiful apartment and I look forward to having a place that I can call my own for a change. I look forward to having friends over and entertaining them. I also did love hosting parties and being surrounded by friends, music, and good food, along with good drinks.
This week has been very hard and tiring to me. I keep fighting back the tears, the pain, the realization that you will no longer be in my life. I need to be held, to be cared for, pampered and all that. I crave it; I relish it; I need to be strong; yes that is what I need.
Infinity,
November Eclectica