Hey Friends!
I am really into writing this kinda shit lately and I find it easier than talking to people…it expresses many of my own feelings and I know that if I feel this way there is guaranteed to be someone out there that does too. I don’t know what these words will mean to you…But if it helps you in any way that is really my goal…..Although you may not find something in this…someone else may.
===Silvertearchild===
You’re making my life a living hell. Ripping apart my heart and taking control of my life. Why the hell can’t you leave me alone? I am in a prison with no bars or chains…your rules and complications substitute these. Being free is just too much….you can’t live without your ultimate fucked up control. I can’t go on living…not like this…I don’t know what to do, or what direction to turn. As I struggle harder your grip becomes stronger…I can’t ever get away. I’ve been crying for so long, I can’t remember how to smile and your callousness takes my cover away.
Not that you would care…what is it truly to you. I’ve lost trust in you and you’ve lost trust in me. Why? What have I fuckin done; nothing as far as I can tell. But maybe your eyes are deceived by what you wish to see. You want to see me die inside, listless and blank…is that what you want? It is just too hard for you, you fuckin bitch, to see that you really are pushing me farther and farther away? Did you expect to make me come closer? Fuck that…now I’m running with no where to go…you have destroyed my refuges, forcing me to give up and die.
I need to kill; you have built up and unleashed the sickness in me. Kill myself…that’s the only answer…my hope has finally died…my cries for help have not been answered, no one replies. I’m screaming now, something is burning my skin…but wait, that is your tormenting that everyone else is blind to see. What the hell am I going to do now? I can’t live my life hidden away as you want me to be.
I need the answers. I need to truly live, not with the restrictions that you have made. Why don’t you take everything away? It seems you have already taken anything conceivable away that would make me choose to live. I hope your heart is broken, I hope that you can see, how this life is now meaningless, and I hate you for what you have done to me. Maybe you will understand how you crippled me when teaching me to walk. You beginning my life was the worst thing in the world, for you gave me a heart filled with hatred, hurt and fear.
Now the blood is rushing, from my wrists onto the floor, staining the carpet red with blood, the blood spilled by you. I’m feeling kind of faint…but…fuck…now I see your face, and you rush me to safety…damn…now I cant even die how I like. Controlled…utterly and completely by you.
You swear that things will change, although I see through your lies which I want so to believe. I know by this taste in my mouth, I wont be able to carry these burdens, or hide this damage inside…my eyes begin to blur…tears hitting the floor…fuck…tears just aren’t enough for you…you need my words to explain even more.
You force me to talk…finally realizing I’m too cold and distant to be touched or moved inside. Now I’m stuck, immobilized, completely cut inside. These wounds are slowly healing; only for the scabs to peal away…revealing permanent scars…never will true healing come. I have violated myself now and nothing will ever be the same…I’m left with a life that is shattered…I’m stumbling, exploring true darkness…I thought I had experienced before.
I’ve fallen too far to reach the surface, to crawl out of my tomb. I’m a silent, still body…too lost within. No expressions pass over my face and the monotony of the days has driven me to the extreme. I walk as a zombie, yet now no one stands in my way…people almost fear me…acting as if I don’t exist. I don’t know how I’m living. What does each day hold? There is no joy….no love…amounting to no trace of a life. Maybe if I had been able to talk to the only one I love…I would’ve chosen differently…but you also closed the door of love in my heart; deceiving me and making me believe I wasn’t truly cared about. How could you find the strength to abuse me like this? I pity you, despite what you have done; you can’t be happy treating me as you do.
My only friend in this cold and lonely world, you took away from me…fuck freedom…I’ve come to understand it really doesn’t exist. Why is it proclaimed something that we have? Oops…there goes another lie, but what is new of this? It must be nature of man…for it destroys so much. Truth is renewal, renewal of the heart…but that would just be too easy.
I’m stuck here for eternity…living a life filled with lies, deceit and pain. A threat I do not pose, although I’m considered explosive because I am pieces of you. I reflect your treatment, mistakes and life. Do my differenced make you feel sick? Was my being born a sin? I can’t read your mind and have no answers. I used to feed upon pleasing you…but as your addiction to this grew…you killed the nourishment which it gave to me.
I miss being able to feel…the numbness has grown too much to stand…I need to find true love. I used to believe that you were showing me true love…yet it was a mask of deceit to disguise your selfish plans. I know I will find love…someone who loves me for me…my spirit…with wings to damaged to fly on my own, will be made whole. When my heart is released again, easing my frozen muscles with trust…I will be free to dance again…dream again, and give my love to another. It may take eternity, but when I have found true love, I know I will never die in vain.
Where does this leave me? I’m still so confused…but I am beginning to feel again, the butterflies dancing inside. My heart is awakening…the darkness is being saturated by light. A flower I can now see growing inside. Life is beginning again and I forgot how much I was loved…someone was always there for me…I was created in the image of the light and also have the potential to fully rekindle the light within. I have found true love…so great it posses my life…it is everything I live for…what fills my every thought. Five minutes in too long to be alone, leaving me vulnerable to the cold world surrounding this ebbing life of love.
I do believe I have found the light within…the love for myself and gift to give my love. This is love…I know by what I feel…despite what you have taught me, I know that this is right…leaving me a perfect place to finally take refuge from the storm of my life and rest. I have honesty, truth and love and am taking my first steps in true expression of the heart…I’m recapturing my soul. To live all my life as if it were to end at any moment…is my only choice. I will embrace each day with strength, love and a free spirit….I will live with no regrets.
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Hullo! Here is another writing of mine…read it if ya could!
I open my heart and I tell you all my secrets. You turn away when I reach for you. I thought I found the answers but then they disappeared…to lies and bitter hate. Why? Why must you take my heart away? I’m dying…my breath is growing short….my tears are falling to the ground…the earth is taking in my pain which you are too scarred to receive. I never hurt anyone when trying to be heard…screaming and crying was all that I did. Why can no one hear me? Am I invisible or is it just that there is no one truly here. What if life is but a dream? What if we only think we are experiencing true life? For what is true life? We must ask ourselves….what is true life to us? I need to know…is it doing what provokes our passions….is it living every day as if it were our last? Or is it giving all our love selflessly? What is true life to me? I have no answers. That is the truth…no one really does. We have no control. To live and find love seems the only thing we can truly do….but even then…do we really have control of this? I am so confused…what is up and what is down? I thought I knew what my life was about. Lately though I don’t know what to do….I feel as if I’m falling…no one lends a helping hand…no one knows my pain….for they know not of my suffering. I have no friend in which to turn…they are all to consumed within…too busy to listen and let on how much they care…zombies in bodies is all that they seem to be. I’m feeling like I have taken a wrong road…that led to this unknown place…for where am I? I do not know…this place is filled with misery, betrayal and self hate. I’m dying inside and I can see it now…how your torments and angers were the smoke in my lungs. This sickness is shutting out all the light…killing the garden in my heart. That garden was once tended….watered and weeded by the word of the lord….yet lately the devil has become my friend. I took his hand…which burned my flesh…but how could this burn hurt more than my scars? I am hating my self and the way I appear….I find no joy in looking in the mirror. I see a face staring back at me that I truly do not know…the secrets behind those eyes are so mixed inside. Why are these tears pouring from my eyes? I can find no reason why I feel this way. I once knew what to do…when others had troubles I helped them on their way. But mastery of self comes before mastery of others. I am so numb inside…I have no idea what I am doing…what is going on…what I will do. I once had goals and believed in myself…yet lately I’m exploring a land unknown…this land is my heart which I no longer care about. It seems no emotion fills my life…I cry…for my heart is longing for yours…but there is no emotion in those tears…strangely I no longer have any emotion towards anything or anyone anymore. I used to understand how to love and live with success….now I am in a trance…only released when I am with you. The true me comes out only for that moment that you are by my side…then I crawl back to my tomb…the true me hidden away from the world…buried deep, under fear of being hurt.
Another one:
Sometimes this house feels like a prison..so many rules to follow….no one here to comfort me…what the hell am I supposed to do..when all my friends are just to busy, living their lives. I have no one here that can understand the pain I’m feeling..Im so confused..what is it that is dragin me down? When Im around you everything is perfect…all the fucked up shit in the world, in my life dissapears… just for those mere seconds that u and I are together…I find the strength to continue, hoping that everything will be ok. Why then do I find myself not seeking your comfort? Is it that when I am with you I am so happy, and as soon as you are gone I know I will start to fall and reality will slap me in the face, forcing me to turn the other cheek? It has got to be, because I know that temporary joy is meant to end….but I cant bear to see it happen. You are all I think about…every waking moment is spent living to see you next…I dont think it is understood by many..how the sun rises and sets only to make it through another day to see your loved one….but love is something that is not understood….it is immpossible of questioning and explaining. Love cant be questioned…for when asked the reason the only answer concluded is that you can feel it in your heart. But where then does the heart lie? Is it a part of you or something superficial? Is it the very thing that keeps you alive? That gives you the will to live? For when you are said to die of a broken heart, what then happens? Is your will to live breaking…tearing away from all familiar and taking you to things dark, never meant to be explored? There are endless questions that one and all would like to have answerd..but will we ever really know what true love is? Or do you only think you are in it because that is what you say and you have never really understood it? Or do you feel it in your heart and have faith in your belief that you and your reason for living will overcome all obstacles placed before you by this fuckin world? Although this may never be answered, let me say…this is true love…I know in my heart…when I am not here anymore you may remember me. All I wanted was to be loved and give my love. What the hell am I doing..everything is dark now….I can faintly hear the voices of the people I love….but where am I? I am floating now….nothing is wrong anymore except I am not with you…how long must I wait? I just wanted you and now i know that apart from hurting mysef I have hurt countless others and mostly you…what a stupid excuse…I got out of life by ending my life….I didnt face those responsibilities that were left to me…what the hell…I now would give anything to take back what is done….for I can see you and spend every moment near you…but you can not see me….and I will have to see you love another…..I hope i can find joy for you….but its gonna be hard….I wish I were truly with you….not just in your heart..but in your arms as well….as long as I am with you in your heart I will always be there for you…when you think no one is listening and despair..possibly like me or because of me I will be listening and also silently crying…I will bring joy to your heart and live everything with you ….god bless you and just to let you know I will always be here…waiting for you silently and patiently….and I’ll love you forever…..bye now…those sounds are getting to faint I think I am truly gone from this world…I can hardly see you now…Im getting higher and higher…….there is a bright light above me and i now see God….my holy father..the one I forgot who was always with me…I will be back …..look for me when the sun is shining over your head, when the summer rain is falling down, as the sun sets across the ocean, when you feel magic in the air, when new life grows, when a rainbow is seen I will be at the other end…always look for me and never forget….never end your life the way I have…live your life to the fullest…let someone know how you feel….remember that you can give a friend wings when they have forgotten how to fly…..live and love with all your heart and no regrets.
(And here it goes!)
Hey Daddy, it’s me again. I miss my world. What the hell happened….everything was so perfect between us….and then it all changed. I just wasn’t good enough for you…no matter what I did it made no difference. I tried so hard to be perfect, to please you was my only desire. I miss my life. I was so unhappy, masking it with a smile that could be polished away with your harsh words. I had kept it all inside for so long…unexposed but a raw wound…would it ever heal? At school, at home….I was only free to cry when I was completely alone and although I desperately tried to keep that mask on, the true me was exposed. But when you questioned my grief I couldn’t tell you. I never wanted you to know how much I had thought….thought about how I might end my life. I had no one to confide in…no person who knew the real me…and the only one who really did I tried to call…but they weren’t home…no one ever is…why is no one ever there? All I wanted to do was to make you proud…in everything I did. It finally came to a point where my heart was so full…full of pain, worries and hidden tears…..I had to end it somehow and this was the only way I found. Words could have solved so much…but you wouldn’t listen. If you would’ve looked closely you would’ve seen the cause for my pain…but to that you were also blind. I found no reason to try pleasing you because I couldn’t change with your growing expectations that were much to fast for me. Fuck it…I was just so lonely…Tears could only mend so much…..to talk to the one I love…maybe that would’ve stopped me…but….the phone was busy….too busy for me. My best friend…but wait…she was gone….I even tried asking god…but there was no answer…because my heart had grown deaf from ignorance of years past. In the end…this seemed to be the answer…but it turned to be a road of anger, frustration and fear. Now I really regret those choices made out of what was truly a sickness inside. How could I have hurt you in this way…for under it all I know you were just trying to show your love for me. You wanted so much better a life for me than you had ever had….to raise me with discipline, responsibility and goals to look ahead. But all I really needed was the occasional hug…or approving word when I had done little wrong…you would expect so much of me without any mention of what it was you wanted…but now I’m truly perfect, because I am an angel of God. I will miss you and mom so much…although I can see you every day…I cant be in your arms or in your lives anymore. Just promise me you will always remember me and that I really did love you with all my heart. And if you can…help other kids like me. Be a shining light for them and let them know of me…for although it may break your hearts in two…there are so many secrets we try to hide….every child has questions and need only a person to confide. We are labeled rebels…out of control…screwing up the world…not truly knowing what to do….but guess what…all we are trying to do is tell the world how we feel. Our cry’s for help seem obvious to us…we think you might understand and truly see our pain….but you are to deaf to hear our loud screams. Our last resorts are things we act out…not thinking you will take them wrong…but then you do and there it goes…guess we’ve fucked things up again. Why do we kill? Why do we steal? Why do we become violent and distant? Maybe we are seeking some sort of control? The list goes on and you cant fuckin see what we are trying to tell the world…we hope someone will be able to see and take interest in it at all…and when that never happens…we snap and deal with it in our way…taking the only road that seems possible. Im sorry I have hurt you…but this is my story to tell…I hope you find it someday among all my thoughts and dreams. I wanted to teach and help some kids…who were just like me…but the weight became too heavy to carry and that also killed my dream. I hope your hearts will heal…I hope you wont forget how too see the sun…because Ill be in your heart and visit you in your dreams. I love you and miss you and I’ll never forget…how much you loved me. I’ll be waiting here for you and for everyone I love…who though I was strong and had the power to endure. I hope I can see you soon…I hope the time goes fast…because of this stupid choice…I’ll be waiting forever…now…sweet dreams and goodnight.
Yeah…I really like to write so I hope you like to read…pass this on if you could…anyways…Ill talk to you all later.
Buh bye-
Silvertearchild