I was looking at my mother, laying still in her comfy Laura Ashley bed, oblivious to my problems.
Not too long ago she’d been cuddling next to her toilet bowl and speaking the language of hurl to it. I think the toilet is the only thing in our house that “listens” to my mother, they both talk shit. My mother’s life is a slow, magical, intoxicated ride on the ferris wheel to eternal hell. She’s a sick, sad, depressing drunk. My father left her for fast moving car on the freeway five years ago and since then, the only thing she’s fucking is her vodka and a bottle of valium. All I do now when I come home from school is move from room to room to see what everyone’s doing. My mother’s room is always first, from then on, it can only get worse, and I have a soft spot for the morbid and decrepit behaviour so frequently exhibited in my house.
suicide comes in where?
I have that same soft spot. It’s not exactly pity, not exactly understanding … more a helpless sort of sadness towards something lost. The loss of life, youth, happiness, hope … it all fascinates me in a weird sort of way.
When I know there’s nothing I can do but sit and watch … when I know there’s something I can do but I watch for a while anyway – wondering what’s going through their mind. Wondering if when they look in the mirror they have the same regrets I have when I look at them.
You watch it time and time again because it’s continuity. Familiarity is the easiest thing to feel.
In the end … you help if you can. You do what you should and you help the world hobble along as best as you can. But there’ll always be that temptation to sit and stare … just for a while.
Feel free to ignore my rambling. What I mean is … I know.
B
You made no sense.As if your only reason for posting this is to reach out for attention,but i cannot say because I hate when people assume i do things for attention.But that is really sad about your mother.Im pretty nice if you ever wanna talk to me.
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The sad reality of lives shattered by guilt/Regret and Loss. I only hope that your mother can come to the fact that Shitty things happen and she needs to get over it. Because if she continues on this path it will lead to her distruction. The fact that one day she will snap out of it and years have gone by, kids are grown and bitter towards her, will hurt terribly. Then the true depths of dispair and self hating will set in and all will be lost.
You coiuld just drag her outdside on a nice day and let the sun burn holes in her self pity.
Contact me if you want to talk.