I was simply lying there, thinking. Didn’t have much feeling in my body, and was so cold. I could remember all the people I loved, all those that left me. Somehow I couldn’t understand why they had all abandoned me, traitors. The doors where always closed when I arrived. I would knock, as hard as I could, yet no answer. And they called themselves family…
I wasn’t scared, just jaded. Tired of always having to be the weird one, tired of being the one to be treating like shit. How many times did I have to fight in order to stay alive? Who knows, I stopped counting . Life is just a game; I never reached the end of my game. Wasn’t game over yet something made the power go out . Hoped to find something more once I was temporarily out of the game but there was nothing to be found . God, angels, Jesus…what the fuck were these people feeding me? Oh how my mind was scattered throughout time. So young, so gullible, yet I held much hate much darkness inside. Never talked to anyone, was always antisocial. Always hated the others, they were so….so…bright, colourful . And what was I? I was just a shadow, hiding behind everything afraid to be seen. Always afraid that someone would find out my dark secrets and send me to a mental hospital …
And they did…
Spent 4 years of my life wondering what the hell I was doing there, why the hell they had sent me there in the first place. The answers I seeked were nowhere to be found and the hopes I had were sealed in small pills. Small pills, huge dosages. I was not human any longer, I was just a machine, taking in everything they gave me . Eternally cursed to live in silence, in fear, in decay. Decaying from the inside, inside where all thoughts could torment me at will. Tormented by the lack of love, humanity…pity. Stole every bit of conversation I could to try and remain in the realistic world. What gave? Nothing at all, lost soul in a system controlled by simple minds…
Until they let me out. Then it became lost soul in an environment suppressed by simple minds. Petrified creature living off pills and water. Suppose I was a Saint, because very soon I transformed the water into beer, and the beer into vodka, and so forth . The pills were very quickly enhanced with a lovely dosage of heroin. Nice little fruit salad I had made for myself. Added to the recipe reckless sex and endless paranoia. The dream had been disintegrated by the acid running in my veins, running in my mind, my brain . Chemical being, loving the most hurtful of all . Sulphuric acid would have been nothing against me. The harshest of dreams had nothing on me. I was not anymore human than I was in the mental hospital. Brought this shit upon myself, created my own pertubating masturbating procreating enzyme. Killed the pressure with the magical chemicals and I had become exactly what they were trying to kill.
I speak to you all now, in hope that you’ll understand, in hopes that darkness will lend a hand. I loved my life, myself. Everything died, when they took me in. Couldn’t believe it until now. Now, everything is black, without any particularities. Jaded, I am jaded. Lying still in this black plastic bag, slowly freezing and turning blue…They forgot to close my eyes before they put me in this black ziplock…funny how they didn’t omit to put the name Tag on my toe before violently shoving me in the cold metal box….