Hey Daddy, it’s me again. I miss my world. What the hell happened….everything was so perfect between us….and then it all changed. I just wasn’t good enough for you…no matter what I did it made no difference. I tried so hard to be perfect, to please you was my only desire. I miss my life.
I was so unhappy, masking it with a smile that could be polished away with your harsh words. I had kept it all inside for so long…unexposed but a raw wound…would it ever heal? At school, at home….I was only free to cry when I was completely alone and although I desperately tried to keep that mask on, the true me was exposed. But when you questioned my grief I couldn’t tell you. I never wanted you to know how much I had thought….thought about how I might end my life. I had no one to confide in…no person who knew the real me…and the only one who really did I tried to call…but they weren’t home…no one ever is…why is no one ever there? All I wanted to do was to make you proud…in everything I did. It finally came to a point where my heart was so full…full of pain, worries and hidden tears…..I had to end it somehow and this was the only way I found. Words could have solved so much…but you wouldn’t listen. If you would’ve looked closely you would’ve seen the cause for my pain…but to that you were also blind. I found no reason to try pleasing you because I couldn’t change with your growing expectations that were much to fast for me. Fuck it…I was just so lonely…Tears could only mend so much…..to talk to the one I love…maybe that would’ve stopped me…but….the phone was busy….too busy for me. My best friend…but wait…she was gone….I even tried asking god…but there was no answer…because my heart had grown deaf from ignorance of years past. In the end…this seemed to be the answer…but it turned to be a road of anger, frustration and fear. Now I really regret those choices made out of what was truly a sickness inside. How could I have hurt you in this way…for under it all I know you were just trying to show your love for me. You wanted so much better a life for me than you had ever had….to raise me with discipline, responsibility and goals to look ahead. But all I really needed was the occasional hug…or approving word when I had done little wrong…you would expect so much of me without any mention of what it was you wanted…but now I’m truly perfect, because I am an angel of God. I will miss you and mom so much…although I can see you every day…I cant be in your arms or in your lives anymore. Just promise me you will always remember me and that I really did love you with all my heart. And if you can…help other kids like me. Be a shining light for them and let them know of me…for although it may break your hearts in two…there are so many secrets we try to hide….every child has questions and need only a person to confide. We are labeled rebels…out of control…screwing up the world…not truly knowing what to do….but guess what…all we are trying to do is tell the world how we feel. Our cry’s for help seem obvious to us…we think you might understand and truly see our pain….but you are to deaf to hear our loud screams. Our last resorts are things we act out…not thinking you will take them wrong…but then you do and there it goes…guess we’ve fucked things up again. Why do we kill? Why do we steal? Why do we become violent and distant? Maybe we are seeking some sort of control? The list goes on and you cant fuckin see what we are trying to tell the world…we hope someone will be able to see and take interest in it at all…and when that never happens…we snap and deal with it in our way…taking the only road that seems possible. Im sorry I have hurt you…but this is my story to tell…I hope you find it someday among all my thoughts and dreams. I wanted to teach and help some kids…who were just like me…but the weight became too heavy to carry and that also killed my dream. I hope your hearts will heal…I hope you wont forget how too see the sun…because Ill be in your heart and visit you in your dreams. I love you and miss you and I’ll never forget…how much you loved me. I’ll be waiting here for you and for everyone I love…who though I was strong and had the power to endure. I hope I can see you soon…I hope the time goes fast…because of this stupid choice…I’ll be waiting forever…now…sweet dreams and goodnight.