There are so many posts on here that are full of depression and hate and lost love and envy and all the things we all eventually learn are just damn trivial. I figured i’d post something to give a little hope to people out there who think that there is not much for them in the world.
I used to try to stop myself from thinking, because thinking was always the one thing that got me into trouble, screwed me up, and left me feeling alone and pretty damn miserable. I often look back on my life, epsecially the last four years and I’m proud of myself, at how much i have come on and grown up.
Things were bad for me. I toiled with the usual teenage troubles of life and love and friendship and betrayal and envy and greed and passion and revenge. And on top of it all i went through a life altering change that left me alone, discarded from my family and friends and forced to rebuild everything from scratch, and over the last four years that’s exactly what i’ve been doing.
I never got involved with drugs, and i never lowered myself to ‘cutting’ as i know many people do. But i was pretty damn depressed and suicide often felt like an easy way out and i seriously contemplated it many times over the years, but i am so thankful that i never actually went through with it because i have learnt such a lot in such a short space of time, and the most important lesson i learnt was that life is precious and life is short. It sounds like a cliche i know, and it is, but it’s also true, and i think that the majority of people here on darkness forget that little fact.
There’s always hope. There’s always someone out there who cares and sooner or later someone will do something that touches your life in a way that makes you want to change the life that you’re living into something better. I think that so many people rely on love and romance to do that for them, but i think that more often than not it is found somewhere other than that.
I am the happiest i have been for a long time, and i am single. I always thought that being single again would be a daunting thing because i was so used to walking through life with someone by my side, but now i have realised that you can’t honestly be with someone if you have not yet learnt to love yourself and love your own company. Inner peace is so important.
Decisions are the hardest thing about growing up. For every decision theres always something at the back of your mind that makes you wonder how things would have turned out id you’d have chosen the other option. It’s a killer, it really is. But it gets easier as you grow up. You realise that it doesn’t really matter. You learn to make the most of whatever it is that you have.
Above all believe in yourself. If you’re not happy doing what you’re doing take time out and decide what’s best for you. Don’t listen to anyone around you because although they think they know what;s best for you, they usually don’t. It took me four years of bummin about to get to where i am now, and i wouldn’t take back a single day of it because i got where i want to be, and in September i get the opportunity to leave this dump of a town that i live in and go to University in a delightful part of the country.
So i guess all i want to say is don’t give up. You’ve at least one person rootin for ya.
Love and respect,
Vixodus
xxx