The Love Of my Father….

Author’s Note: OK, I told my bestest friend, Sinful Serena, I would submit this article, so here goes. *deep breath*

The only memories that I can actually remember of my childhood are traumatic ones. I can’t even once remember being happy. It’s just a blur of confusion and fear. I have my reasons for this, though.

My first memory is walking into my parents bedroom, and seeing my mother. She was sitting on the floor, crying, and there was blood all over her arms. It took a few seconds to realize what exactly was happening.

My mother was trying to kill herself. I was only about 5 or so back then.. My father came into the room and started screaming idiotic sh*t like, “You stupid b*tch! What the f*ck do you think you’re doing? Get the hell up! Now, you stupid c*nt!”… For the longest time after that, I refused to acknowledge my emotions at all, I had to be the so-called “adult” in the household. Joy!My next vivid memory I think I was about 7 or 8. I was living in the same house I stay in now. In fact, in the very same room that it happened in. I don’t exactly what happened, I was watching t.v. with my little sister. But, the next thing I knew I heard screaming coming from my parents room. This was normal, they were both drunk, they always argue. But, then I heard a crash, and I quickly got up and ran to see what was happening. I saw my mother lying on the bed, my father poised above her, choking the life out of her while screaming at her. My mother’s face was blue. I didn’t know what to do. I was too young to know what to do. I couldn’t move, I was completely numb. Luckily my grandmother came in just then. Haha, she hit him upside the head with his own Jack Daniels bottle. Or Evan Williams… Had to be one of those two. Yeh.. Onto the next family memory! I think it was my mother’s 37th or 38th birthday. I was 9 or 10, not sure which. By that time my father was hard on cocaine, and he made sure that all of our money went to Bob, his little “drug buddy”. Well, on that paticular night, he had already spent all but $30 or so, of our money. And he wanted more. He was sitting in a chair, beside our then computer, and mom leaned over to him to talk to him, and he kicked her, sending her back several feet. She just got up and tried to talk to him again. The next thing I knew, she was down on the ground and he was repeatedly stomping his foot on her head. I’m sure it didn’t help that he was wearing those thick ass work boots of his.. 2 of my parents friends were there. Sam and Cliff. (Yes, the same Sam as in “The Results of Rape” but this was way before that happened. Mom and Cliff ended up together not too long after dad died, but she left him, when he tried to get abusive towards me.) They decided it was a good idea to lock me in my room. I nearly went insane trying to get out, I had to make sure mom was alright. I guess I screamed enough, because Sam finally let me out of my room. When I got back to the living room I saw mom lying face down in the kitchen doorway. I didn’t see her breathing. It took me 5 minutes to wake her up, but it seemed like forever. We went to a neighbors and actually had to spend 30 minutes CONVINCING her to call the cops, like what he did wasn’t enough already. I cannot tell you how many times I remember having to literally step between my mom and dad to keep them from killing themselves. I also cannot tell you how many times my mother gave me 2 options, either she could kill him, or she could kill herself. And she was dead serious. That scared me more than anything ever has.. This is not the complete reason for my depression, but it is a MAJOR factor in it. I have seen things that no one should ever have to do. And the only coping skill I ever learned came through 1.) A alocohol bottle or 2.) a razor. It’s took me 15 years to realize that there are other ways than those two to deal with depression. Writing, is one of my ways at handling it. I write all the time. Drives my family crazy. ^.^Anyway, I guess that is it for now. Until next time, beware and be scared. (Ohhhhh, god, that’s so f*cking corny!) ^.^Here I’m standing in the night, My crescent wand the only light, SiLverAlso known in my previous posts: XPrincessTwiggyXPrincessTwiggy