The pains of losing friends to suicide

This is not an article, but a story of my own. It is an absolutely true one also. If you have any decency at all in you, don’t criticize me me for what I write.

During my Junior year of high school, grade 11 for you canadians out there, I had some serious problems. I have had an extremely abused past, and due to it, I am quite a loner. I don’t get close to people as a general rule… I became friends with a guy named Lance. Lance was a very smart and very active person. He loved to party and have fun, while at the same time, tried to stay withing the bounaries of some minor laws of ethics. His only downfall in my eyes is that he is extremely impulsive. During his eigth grade year, someone told him he shoul dkill himself… We found him in the locker room bleeding. He failed in that first attempt at suicide because he used a dull knife. Through the years Lance and I became inseperable, and by my Junior year, he basically lived at my house… I never would have suspected the horror that my world was about to turn into.Lance had spent the weekend before homecoming at my house. Sunday night we went into town to watch a basketball game at our highschool. After that he dropped me off and went back home.The next day at school Lance was missing. All morning rumors were flying around school… At lunch time I finally heard what happened. He drove out to the river and shot himself in his car with a hinting rifle. My friend Ross happened to be skipping school with his gf and pulled up next to the car looking for Lance. Well needless to say, what he found will scar him for life.All that Lance left behind was a note. All it said was that he was sorry and that the reason he ended his life was because he sees thousands of wealthy actors and sports stars and he didn’t think he would ever be able to measure up. He also left behind a couple of obscure quotes from songs… I only recognized one… It was a Marilyn Manson song. Lanc’e famile was Christian, I am sure you can immagine the controversy this brought about.The rest of My Junior year and senior year my friends and I adopted one of Lance’s younger brothers as our own. We took him everywhere with us. We were always partying with him. Adam soon became like a little brother to me. He was always a quiet guy, and even more so after his brother’s untimely death. After that, he lost damn near all confidence and self respect he had for himself. To remedy this, over the next 2 years we tried everything. We begged him to join clubs with us, participate in school or sports, or anything to get him mind off Lance. 2 FUCKING years we spent trying to help OUR brother. This last summer I graduated High school, and went off to finish My army training. I had gone to boot camp the previous summer. All I had left was 8 weeks of training in my chosen field. I spent those 8 weeks in Mississippi, then I came back home. I was so happy to be home because I was going to Canada to see the love of my life. I spent 3 WONDERFUL weeks there with her, and then went back home.I had just graduated High School and Army training, and didnt know what to do with my life, so I thought I would move to Iowa to live with my parents and see what work will pop up here for me. I had just bought my ticket to come here, and gotten back to my house. About 10:00 pm I got a call on the phone from my brother, who was in Iowa. He told me that he had gotten a call saying Adam had killed himself. My brother was out of the state, and he heard about it quicker than I did. I tried callign everyone I knew to see if what the rumors said were true. I called everyone and got NO answer.. Eveyrone was gone. Finally a half an hour later, My friend Glenn called me and told me the horrible news. That at evening Adam failed to show up to a choir concert. All my friends were at this concert and didnt see him, and with the rumors they had heard, they went to his house. They found cops, relatives, and neighbors all coming together to comfort Adam’s family. When I finally could speak, I asked Glenn what exactly had happened, and he told me that Adam had started his truck and plugged up every possible vent, and flooded the cab with carbon monoxide. His mom found him in the garage and tried to open the door, but it was locked. She then busted the window out with a paint can. After she drug him out, she tried to give him CPR, but he was already dead.I just didnt know what to say afterwards. Glenn asked me if I wanted him to come get me, but I told him I would drive the 20 miles into town. I spent the whole night trying to comfort people who barely knew Adam. That’s the way it was, the people who knew and loved him best comforting the people who knew him least. I think it is a pretty fucked up cycle. I still havent been able to grieve and mourn that much. I just sit down and start thinking about him, and I start crying. There were only 2 things in the world that Adam ever wanted to be, one was a guitar player, and he succeeded in that quite well. Adam was an awesome, self motivated guitar player. He was just all around musically talented. The other thing Adam wanted to do was become a maring. He had gone as far as siging the papers/ He would have been shipped out as soon as he graduated from high school, which wouldnt have been for another year, as he was a grade behind us. I ended up being a pall bearer at Adam’s funeral, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I decided I would honor Adam’s choices in life, and I wore my Army dress uniform to the funeral. I also left one of my guitar picks on his grave.After the funeral I did everything I could to comfort the family who had adopted me as one of their own. I loved this family with all my heart, and I just didn’t know what to say, so I just hugged Adam’s parents. They dint say anything, but Adam’s mom wept on my shoulder and told me how thankful she was that I was there. I then gave in and cried with her.To conclude this I wouls just like to say that I am not a religious man, and neither was Lance. I don’t thin Adam even knew what to believe in. I am not going to say I hope they have a blissful eternity in heaven. However I will say to them: “I hope you two find YOUR heaven and are together.”

13 comments

  1. i’m gonna keep my reply short…. cuz i don’t want to screw up anything. i just want u to know that i cried… i wouldn’t dream of criticizing ur writing… and that i’ll always try to keep these lives in mind… i never knew them… and probably wouldn’t have, but with ur story: they go on eternally, both in my sights.

    BLoodyRazorS

  2. i found your story really sad and as i read it i couldn’t help but cry, you must be a very strong person to have been able to go through all of that pain and suffering.i wish all the best for you

  3. what can i say? to say im sorry for ur loss blahblah blah would be shit to say i understand and sympathise would be a lie so i will say this u shared
    i hope u do understand what i say
    Vixen

  4. to say i understand what you are going through, would be a lie. i am sorry that you lost two wonderful and special people in your life. please don’t take this as pity. and i hope that you do not blame yourself for any of what had happened. i have lost a step-mother, an almost step-father(i’m the one who found him. shotgun to face in my old bedroom), and a few friends from school. the friends saddend me, for i knew them, but i wasn’t all that close to them. but i stilled mourned the lose of their lives. the other two. well, my step-mom did it at my dad’s house, i haven’t been there since it has happened. and my “step-dad” i had nightmares for almost 4 years from it… loosing people you know is horrible in the first place, but when they are special to us it makes it so much worse. it makes you/us/me feel like a part of ourselves has died with them. i truely am sorry. take time out for yourself to be able to mourn your family. for that’s what they were. and always keep close to your heart the memories of them…take care. much luv, Butterfly

  5. Losing someone is sad enough, my Nana just died of cancer and I was totaly lost as to how to cope.
    In my opinion, death isn’t as bad as everyone thinks it is. It’s infinitely more dificult for the people who didn’t die to deal with. So I try not to bring myself down when I lose someone, but with suiside it is so hard to keep from feeling terrible. You know that there was something wrong, you know that they have been suffering. You know, somehow, that this didn’t need to happen and you know that now… they’re gone.
    I know that nothing can be said to make thinks like this better, but your story was sad and beautiful and I’m very sorry about you losing someone so close to you.

  6. I do know how you feel about losing someone close. I recently lost a friend. We had 14 years of friendship behind us. we were closer than anyone. We spent every waking moment together. She, too practically lived at my house. She was practically my sister. My family accepted her and hers excepted me. It all changed on night when she started cutting. I tried to get her not to cut her wrists, I tried to persuade her not to do this to herself, and me. For a while she did stop, but she got into drugs and alcohol. The night of a school dance she was at my house, getting ready, we went to the dance and had a good time. that night she didn’t go home. The next day, police and everyone was looking for her, even people she hated. I remembered she said something about she liked the way the oak tree smelled in the woods of my backyard. I went to my old tree house and climbed up the stairs. I almost passed out When I saw her. She had one bullet hole in her ankle, slits on her arms that looked like nets, and an empty bottle of Exedrin PM, the bottle had 40 pills in it earlier. I didn’t think I could go on, my one and only friend had killed herself. I reached for the gun and started to pull the trigger, but was too chicken. I start to try and slit my throat, but someone from my school ( that followed me to the woods) grabbed the exacto knife. I will never forget my friend or the person who obviously cared enough about me to stop me from killing myself. Sorry it was so long, But I do understand the loss of someone close.

  7. Jeremy I’m so sorry, The first time I read this you got my attention but now that I somewhat know you, reading it again made me cry. It’s as if I can feel your pain through your words. Sweetie I’m so sorry for your loss. Just remember I’m always here if ya need someone to listen. Love ya babe.

  8. damn it is such a shame to lose one to suicide, but when it happens more than once, you begin to blame yourself. i know where you’re coming from. in the army, i lost 2 friends to suicide as well. i was the last person they both talked to. then i tried and failed. you can only try and remember what good they did and had in their lives, the memories that no one can ever take from you, and if you succeed in this, they’ll never die. may the gods be with you…blessed be.
    -osiris

  9. im really sorry to hear that i totally feel for you because my cousin and my brother killed them selves but one died then a few day later the other one did and i know how hard it is but at least there together in there own heaven cause they both didnt believe in god either i hope your doing ok just dont let this bring you down so much where you do something that will hurt all the people who care about you take care everything will get better you just need time

    -Erin-

  10. I don’t feel like reviewing your work but thats not because I don’t like it. I skimmed through it and I thought of something funny. I lost suicide to friends. Its sad (when you consider my horrible taste) but its true!

  11. thats some deep shit thats happened to you. I wish you the best luck in life and may you always remember those two people that meant so much to you. Don’t mourn for them-mourning just rubs salt in the wounds. Always stay as close to their family as you are now-it sounds like they mean alot to you.

Comments are closed.