I don’t know if I even have the right to write this article, but I am going to anyway, it’s on my mind, so, why the hell not?
When I first met my current therapist, one of the first things out of her mouth was, “Is there a possibility that you could of been raped?” I was speechless. Hell, I didn’t know. I told her that too.
Over half of my childhood is just a blank page in an empty book. I just can’t remember, I don’t want to remember it, I have enough problems with the memories I have.
I have been in two situations, where I could of been raped, that I know of. But, somehow, I managed to escape them. The first one was with my dad. I don’t know why, but I have always been disgusted with him, never liked him, I can’t ever remember looking at him and loving him. I just can’t. Maybe that is mean to say, but, it’s the truth, no point in lying, right? I’ll never forget it. My dad was drunk off his ass, but that isn’t any excuse. He brought me into my parents room, and made me sit on top of him. I could feel he was hard, I knew it. And then he proved my assumptions about him true, he told me that if I ever needed any “favours” or ever had an “itch” to tell him, and he’d take care of it. I’m sure you know what the hell he was talking about. It scared me to death, because it striked something deep and hidden in my heart that I cannot recall. Maybe my therapist was right, maybe I have been raped before, I can’t remember. I don’t want to, like I said before. The second incident occured with me and my then dear friend Sam. I trusted Sam with my life, and all that rot. Once again, he was drunk, just like my father. I was lying on the couch trying to watch some stupid movie, and the next thing I know he was beside me, kissing me in a way I had never been kissed before. I paniced, I couldn’t do anything. I think my heart stopped beating. I thought I was going to die. Then he put his hands in my pants… Later on he put my hands in his pants. I withdrew my hand immediatly and turned on my side, facing away from him, hoping to god he would just pass out. The next thing I knew he was ontop of me, his hands roaming everywhere that was VERY personal to me. I told him no, it wasn’t right. I told him to stop. But he didn’t. So, I decided to play the game, and kissed him back, and told him I had to go out to the car to get my nightgown ( we were just visiting) but I’d be right back. I walked a mile or so, it seemed like forever, in the rain, at 2 am in the morning. It was cold, and I was scared. I couldn’t see anything, I kept hearing him behind me. I don’t like talking about it, I just had to tell someone. I mean, my mother knows. She found me at a friends house about 2 hours later. She proceeded to take me to another friends house, and returned to Sam’s. I never knew what she did, but I do know that he lost his job and everything, and was basically shunned everywhere. The thing is, it made me feel bad, I thought I was a slut, somehow or another I did something to make this happen. I don’t know. I didn’t write this for your sympathy, you know that. But, I’d really appreciate it if someone didn’t respond telling me to get over it. I am over with it. But sometimes unwanted things strike back in your mind, you know? I just wanted to say that. Anyway, later. %Princezz SelPhie%
honesty like this is hard to come by. the past is the past, the present is the past, but the future is now. remember that (did you hear the future just whizz by?) and nothing much matters anymore except for pounding at those keys, riding the dragon, and telling everyone to go and fuck themselves. i think your post was a big “fuck you” to sam and to your father. you’ve got it in you to get it out. and doesn’t it feel good?
I understand how it feels to have your childhood to be a blur, I can’t put my finger on a single thing before the age of 19 they’re all just a blur to me. My mother pulls out photos and tells me about them and in some way I seem to remember bits and pieces but never the whole and she gets all pissy about it but I can’t form crystal memory. Shrinks asked me the same thing but I’ve never been able to tell them if anything like that ever truly happened or if it was just some part of myself shutting down the bad parts to keep the good parts going. I hate to hear anyone use the words “get over it” to someone that has suffered through sexual abuse and both of these incidents were just that. One can’t just get over it but they can learn to deal with the pain and the traum that things like thses bring and that is never ever easy, this was a great step towards that, recognizing the pain that has been done, vocalizing it and accepting the feelings that go along with it. You werre a victim in this and I hope both those fuckers find themselves on the short end of a prison rape someday for what they have done to you, I’m sorry about all the pain you’ve had to endure and hope you find some peace in your life now that you’re dealing with it, my best to you always.
im sure alot of people, including me, know exactly how you feel. im only 16… my childhood is a blur…who knows maybe thats a good thing. my father was also an alcoholic, from day one he and i hated eachother…..he would make my sister a fucking princess, and treat me like trash. ive been in similar situations….hearing the whispers of “i don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do” and having my heart stop and my body freeze up not knowing what to do……people don’t teach kids about rape when they’re little, evidently they’re too young….too bad they aren’t too young to be raped.
it might be the past, but it can really fuck up your future. thanks dad.
I know the feeling,when it happened to me I was 13 years old!! I mean all it was was a guy freind visiting and he told me that we were going to see a movie, so you know having a crush on him and all I went with him, but not to a movie, we went to his house!. That was worse as I walked in I wanted to walk out. He would not allow it, he sat down and he pulled me on top on his lap and kissed me, I had never really kissed so he was my first. I kissed back but I cried because I was scared. I ran to the door and he ran after me and forced me to the bedroom, I screamed and said “NO please!!” He pulled off my underclothing and he got on top and started to.. well you know. I cried and screamed and I pushed him and he forced himself on me. I just cried, and no one in my family ever found out, they would call me a slut and I know that is not fair to a child. I am now 23 and I still live with these dark memories. I say yes it could have been rape, for me it was this and other dark things in my life. The result is this depressive feeling, and a feeling that you are alone, but you are not alone, no one is, we all care about eachother and are willing to help.
I wish I could say I know how you feel, but it would be a lie. Even someone who’s been through what you have couldn’t honestly say they feel the same. Everyone has their own way of reacting to things.
I can tell you that my girlfriend right now was in a few relationships before me beaten. For the longest time she was sad and would not tell me what was bothering her… I finally managed to get the truth about what was bothering her. Her last boyfriend would beat her, toss her down stairs, force her to give him blow jobs, you know that sort of thing… My FIRST reaction was “kill.” When she said what he did I wanted to kill him. I was ready to walk out the door and hunt him down and kill him. I would have, but he had moved just a year ago half a continent away.
My reaction to reading your article was exactly the same… I would kill them given the chance. I don’t think people who would do that deserve to breathe…
As someone that has been through this more than once I cannot tell you to get over it. You got lucky in the aspect that you do not remember your childhood. I, like you wish I did’nt for the sake of sanity, remember any of it. I don’t want to give you pity but as I said I have been through all of this and I just thought you should know that someone else feels the same and I am here if you ever need to talk. mcbfflad101@msn.com.
my current therapist, “the rapist” as i like to call her, made me sware to her the first time we met that i was not a homacidal threat, i swore, and was bluffing, isn’t it great?, but the sad part is that i’ve scared her off, and she’s passing my case on upto her superviser, is that a good thing or a bad thing, this i do not know, yet i do feel a slight joy knowing that an avarge little bitch in pastels can’t handle me or my life stories, now i am proud:) and happy 🙂
Salutations,
I do not mean to critique, but I feel that your therapist was wrong in asking that.
It seems that most therapists these days tend to assume that most, if not all, women were raped in their childhoold. Why this is I do not know.
They usually force the point or suggest that everything revolves around that point until the patient begins to “remember” events that did not occur. This is bad psycology.
I am not saying that what you said was a lie, but memories of this nature are typically not repressed as a therapists would say with some frequency. If you were truly raped, and not simply molested, it is certain that you would remember something of it. Unless some narcotic prevented the memories from forming, but you alluded to nothing of the sort and is excluded here.
please, don’t let this therapist make things worse for you. Remember that therapists aren’t psycologists. Please don’t fall into the web of inequities.
I wish there was more I could do to help other than this seemingly attacking critique (or your therapists that is), but alas, I am but a mere human.
I wish that I could give some inspiring words that didn’t sound corny, but there is no such thing in this world of satire and sarcasam.
but hereitgoesanyway.
Remember that in the universe there is no one more important to yourself than you. You are the center of the universe, as it extends into infinite from all points from you. Be one with your self and be one with everything.
Perception and attitude effect realtiy.
I suppose I’ll spare you from any more Buddism…
Good fortune be with you.