Sleeping, having that nightmare again…..the one where Snow White is chasing after me with a knife and i run into a house crowded with people and hide behind some overwieght woman wearing a flowery dress.
A sharp pain makes it’s presence known in the pit of my stomach…..lower. Ignore it because hopefully it’ll go away and i can switch to a better dream. Feel the pain again. Keep ignoring it because i’m still not awake enough to know that it’s not gonna leave. Waiting for hours and then open my eyes….i wake up with the pain. Roll over cluthing my stomach. Bent knees….i can’t get straight.
Sharp pain feels like it’s swelling. Feels like the musles inside are contracting so tight they’re ripping to shreds. Feel my organs writhing. So the reflex comes. Want to throw up, but there’s nothing to expell. Know i can’t take pills for this. Never stay down when this happens. Listening to the birds….and the dog whimpering outside. She’s hungry again. Listen to my rats sneezing. Leila’s lungs are infected, so she’ll be dead in two days. The guy at the petstore said “Noooooo, It’s just a little dust.” Jimmy’s ok though. Listen to the rabbit kick the sides of the cage and the gunea pig squeels in responce to the excitement. i can’t stand all the noise. Making the pain worse. Ripping inside….shredding….blood.
Try turning around again, but i can’t stretch…..everytime there’s a stretch there’s a resistance to the contractions and it feels like i’m ripping myself apart. Face cold…and i remember when this happened in school. Stella asked me,”Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?! You look fucking dead!” i kept my hair in fron of my face and didn’t bother to look up.
Remember when this happens that the heat helps, but it’s hot already and i feel like a block of ice.
Pain went down enough for me to roll over, and over, and over, and over. Writhing in bed….squirming….tension. Disgusting pain. If it’s not numb, it hurts. Not fair, but this is how i live.
i felt the ball in my throat come high enough for my mouth to overwhelm with saliva. Here it comes….and i fall to the ground on my hands and knes, hoping to crawl to the bathroom, but no such resistance. Saliva spills from my mouth…into a puddle on the hard dark floor. Feel the ball rise and feel it break as it comes to my mouth. Taste the bitterness….let it fall from my lips into the puddle. Yellow. From a few nights ago cause i haven’t eaten lately. The pain clenches tighter, making fun of me. Curl up into a ball next to it and wait for the next one.
Feel the blood in between my legs…..and the aching bruise on the outer side of my thigh. Never felt one that big. All the little ones in between don’t seem to matter.
Why….why….why……every few months my insides rot. Wish i could pass out from the pain. The pain makes me wish there was a god, so that i could plead to him to take it away. No such luck. Noises getting louder, and then i feel the breeze. Agony…..tears begin to spill, but i’m not crying. Want to be taken away. Someone promised me once, that they would take me away from all this….Don’t remember who and don’t remeber where to. i’ll beg if i have to but there’s no one to beg to. Wait till i drift away….hours till i pass out….wake up to another day….of the same….writhing…..pain.