I started out unwanted. Pure and simply unwanted. You see, my father was an alcoholic and a drug addict. One day he raped my mom. That’s were I came in. But it wasn’t one of those alley rapes you always hear about. They were married. But she was raped. Many times actually, since the definition of rape is someone forcing you to fuck them. Well, my mother ended up giving birth to me in our house. The umbilical cord was wraped around my neck, and my dad was able to remove it before I suffocated. I always ask myself, “was it for the best that I survived?”
Even though know it probably is. Well, till this day my dad always uses that day against me. As if I owe him something. When in reality I only owe him all the pain he’s caused me. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. And every time he would do this he became abusive. But never towards me. Oh, no, I had to sit back and watch as he beat the hell out of the rest of my family. I have a brother who is three years older and a sister who is six years older than me. And of course my siblings held it against me. And I always thought it my fault. My dad’s mother still denies my father ever hurting us. Though I know she remembers seeing Travis with the bruised ribs and Destine’s sad eyes. And deep down I hope it haunts her still. Luckly my mother devorced my father and he moved to Missouri. Though I still remember every moment of those 10 years living with him. And it’s made up a big part of who I am. I have been recently put on anti-depressants, am seeing a psychiatrist, and visit a therapist weekly. But this is only part of who I am. It gets deeper, if you are willing to take the plunge.
To feel unwanted by your own family is something i can’t even begin to comprehend. What you went through is something that shouldn’t happen. When your own flesh and blood, the people who created you and should nurture you into a human being who is awake to the way the world works and can tackle everything that is thrown in their path, don’t and instead make you feel unwanted and a burden is so wrong. Every one deserves to feel loved by someone especially their parents. Your father sounds like a very sick man who needs a lot of help. I’m not saying this to critise your father but merely to show you that my heart goes out to you because of what you’ve been through and what you feel. My heart also goes out to your family, the people he would harm.
I can understand your mother not leaving. When people find themselves in a relationship with the person they love and this person beats them, they think that they will change, that this is just a phase. Usually they’re wrong but the people beating them have power over them. They break down their defences and make them feel worthless, as though no one will ever love them and they have no where to go. It’s a vicious sprial that they are on. But your mother obviously got her strength to move on. I comend her on her bravery.
Of course your fathers mother will deny that he has hurt you. It’s a defense mechanism for herself. What she doesn’t see isn’t real and what she denies has never happened. She knows her son has done wrong, but she refuses to openly admit this because then she would be a “bad mother”, at least in her own eyes.
I hope that all the help you are getting helps you to move on and make something of yourself. No body is worthless, we all serve a purpose on this earth..no matter how small and unimportant we think it is. You are special in your own way, just like everyone else and don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.
In a small way I can understand how you feel, though I was never abused, or witnessed abuse of that kind, I know how it is to not be wanted by anyone.
If you should like to tell the rest, I would love to listen, and I hope that things get better, that you feel better about yourself, and that you never find yourself sinking to the level where you must depreciate someone else to feel good.
Seth