lets cut the crap, sure i had a happy childhood. but i feel that is only because i was ignorant to the world around me, i was at peace not knowing anything about discrimination, and losing friends. up until about a year ago…
actually im sure its been more than a year since then. im not sure exactly how i fell into all this… but it just came in such a big blow. my best friend, ashley, had just slipped away with someone else and they were cutting themselves… at that moment it came as a rush, i had lost her. i wanted to join her, and anyways i thought she probably wouldnt care anyways. but as soon as i tried it, i found how relieved i felt. and i was hooked to the pain. hooked to that feeling of knowing, yes you’re alive, you can feel, you have emotions, this is it… and just the feeling of getting my emotions out, its so much like crying…. yet i was ashamed of crying, ive been brought up to believe crying is a show of weakness, and i still cant cry in front of people normally… and that was how it all started… but eventually, that same winter, my sister saw the cuts, and i told her i would never do it again… and foolishly, i just thought well i can just tell people that, they’ll never know, which comes back to me in the end…
but anyways, i was really into the cutting, but no one knew… im not even sure if ashley knew, because i didnt have anyone… i ended up slitting my wrists like 5 times a night, but slowly it decreased… and by the beginning of the summer, people knew but they thought it was over, and so did i….
on the summer i was basically care free, i was away from my house, and with my friends, but then about 1/2 of the way through, things started getting complicated…
i realized i was bisexual… which i had been thinking for a while but never really sure, but i came to that conclusion. and another thing which makes this all harder is i realized that im in love with my best friend, ashley. but i never thought i could stand a chance with her… this made me cry myself to sleep many nights and hard to keep from crying when i saw her with brittany(c) who i thought she liked then… i decided i didnt care… and plunged back into cutting.
just as much every night, almost always on the wrist, i didnt even care anymore… i didnt care if my friends knew, even though i had promised lynzie my other best friend i wouldnt, and im sorry to say i broke those promises, but no one backed themselves up saying they cared…
and throughout all that, the school year started…
i got expelled from school for having a knife in my backpack… expelled, but i got back in… i was still cutting, but i had promised all my best friends i wouldnt, and sadly enough they believed me…
around this time, my mom had been living with us at my dads house even though they’re divorced, and then my father kicked her out. she didnt have a place to live, and she went kinda crazy, she took over my dads house, the police wouldnt make her leave and she trashed our house and everything in it. she was threatening to kill herself and taken to the hospital. i had to stay at my dad’s gf’s house for a week, scrunched with my family, when i just wanted to be alone and there was no place. but eventually we came home, but things with my mom where never the same, she cries every time i talk to her.
i went on, thinking no one cared, hiding in my sadness… each time a friend found out about me cutting, them getting madder, me lying even more.. what a vicious cycle it is. eventually they had all had enough, they found out about me still cutting and were so mad about it they wouldnt even talk to me, and this is when i realized i needed to talk to them, let them know why i did this, but it was so hard to release those things bottled inside, and they didnt want to listen, because i had lied to them so many times… so i was alone, no one to listen to me and that was one of the first times i had tried to commit suicide, and end this all, i drank bleach… which i had been told would kill me, but strangely i didnt die, i probably didnt drink enough, thats most likely it. after that, it didnt matter to me, one suicide attempt after another, refusing my friends trying to help. and i tried to stop cutting… you dont even know how much i wanted to stop hurting my friends… but eventually i fell back into the cycle of it… the relief it brings, theres no discription, you just know… sometime in that mess, i met becca, she really understands me, although i have never met her in person, she really understands me… i can talk to her, maybe just as much as ashley, maybe more… and one night, myabe like 3 weeks ago, i thought she had killed herself, i seriously did… i didnt even know if i could make it through the next day, but i went to school, and i ended up crying before class… and i hate crying in public… but i didnt even get a hug… i just sat there… but thankfully she wasnt dead, because i probably wouldnt make it without her. but everything has remained the same since then. i still enjoy the sensation of self-mutilation but i have realized how foolish i have been in the past… how life hasnt just screwed me over but gotten me to help in doing so.
but i just think, that maybe if it was okay to cry in front of people, that if i could share how i feel to people, that if people were more understanding to others, and if things had gone differently a year ago and i hadnt decided to join them, then maybe i would be happy now, or maybe just a little…
You wouldn’t be happy now, you would just still think you were happy. Sounds like you got yourself on the path to perdition (not to parodize a Tom Hanks movie).
Never regret the past. Learn from it. Igorance is bliss, but who needs bliss. As for self mutilation, people don’t care that you are hurt, they may care because it hurts them to see you hurt. So the only people that will even say something about it to you are people who truly care or people who are paid to pretend to care (like school counselors); and even then its for selfish reasons, they don’t want to be inconvenianced by worry for you, or they’re getting paid. At least that’s my theory–people help because it makes THEM feel GOOD, because in actuallity THEY back handidly benefit from it, not because somebody needs help. Anyways, galaxy, when you get a chance check out my two new poems, they were just posted a little while ago.
Everyone in my family encourages me to cry. I stopped, though. My brother, he beats me. I used to be frightened of him and cry…but now I can’t. I’ve been labeled as a baby all my life…I hate labels…don’t you? Keep your chin up. Just because you are bi doesn’t mean you can’t live a normal life. As for mutilating youself, well… I think it is best you understand that no one can make you better but yourself. Speaking of which, I mentioned earlier, don’t label me. I’m no one’s mother and I’m no one’s therapist. Who needs em’. I don’t like people who tell me it will get better. because they don’t know. Oh well…I’m getting off subjects aren’t I? Well, don’t be ashamed of crying. It’s only a weakness in some cases. I believe your crying could make you stronger…like it did me. Try not to reach a breaking point. They sUcK. So just hold on…you’ll find your way…be it to heaven or hell….but you’ll find it.
It appears as if crying isn’t a sign of weakness. You just are weak. You’re weak and pathetic. I really feel no remorse for people who cut themselves, I think it’s just stupid. (sorry honey). You lied to your friends, you LIED. For things to get better, you must be willing for it to be. You’re weak in both mind and will. Things can get better with the support of others but you have to be willing as well. And truth is, if you were really strong, you can make things better on a mental and phsycail stability by yourself as well. I don’t really feel so much for people whining about their friends, when I don’t have any.
And Necrologia. Shut the fuck up, you moron.
OF COURSE it feels good to help people. What the fuck is wrong with you, you stupid bitch? You trying to put down people that actually help others now? What a fucking moron you are.
A person tries to help another and you want to put them down, saying they’re only helping you because it makes them feel better?
WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORON, ARE YOU?! That’s a bad thing? That it will put them at ease, knowing that person will be better, then instead of in pain hurting themselves, and being hurt? What a fucking moron you are…
Well, you stupid bitch. Are you going to complain about eating too? That it only makes your organs feel better, but not your mind? What a fucking fool you are.
So what? It’s better for the people who just don’t give a damn? Who won’t even bother? WHAT A FUCKING MORON YOU ARE!
Putting down, the people that actually care enough–feel enough to ask and may try to help, instead of the people who don’t even bother or notice.
What a fucking moron you are… Hmmm, did you know, that there are some social workers that actually spent the Time in college ’cause they actually wanted to help people? Not everyone may want to, but not everyone does not want to.
Sometimes, when I see a person that needs help, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach, I just have to help them. And YES! It feels good to help them, to know that you made them feel better. It does feel good.
And you’re a fucking fool who doesn’t deserve help or any attention, fucking ingrate. You can live the rest of your pathetic life alone, you stupid bitch.
The most insidious form of victimization is to make one believe that they are victimized. If people are perpetually helped they will never have the motivation to better themselves or even learn from their folly. Sometimes people remain weak because somebody is always there to help them. This may not always neccessarily be the case, but I think its a possibility. So chill the fuck out you redonedant motherfuck, Nightmaren. Everybody is entitled to an opinion and if you can’t get yours across in a mature, civil fashion then maybe you’re the one who needs to shut the fuck up. So the next time you can’t fathom the concept of people seeing things differently from you, maybe you should think before you voice your insights.
The maximum allowed number of characters in a comment is: 2500
Your entry contains 3331 characters.
OH, MY FREAKING GOD! I HAVE TO TYPE ALL THAT OVER AGAIN! THOSE STUPID FUCK! MY HEAD CAN FUCKING EXPLODE! FUCKING DIE DARKNESS! I’LL FUCKING RETYPE EVERYTHING DIIIIIE!
Ummmmm, Darling? You feeling ok?
Omg… … I could fucking kill you darkness… … Everything I said was perfect… … I could fucking kill you, ha ha ha ha hah a… …
I fucking hate you, fucking die… ha ha ha haha…
I won’t do all that shit over again.
So Necrologia.
I’ll just tell you, all I typed went up against everything you so both insultingly and intellectually. It would have been hard for you to counter-reply it, to try and demean me as incompetent, unless you only focused on the names I called you, and ignored the rest of everything I said…
ha ha ha ham, fucking darkbagkdsgasdgjhadsgkl; i could FUCKING KILL YOU! DIE YOUS TYPID BAGDIKASDG BAKSGHAHAHAHA
GDSA
I FUCKING HATEDKARNESSSDIE
nO, LOVELU./.. HA HA HA HA HA… … I COULDA HAH A HA HA HA HA HAHAH AH… … EXPLODE, MY HEAD FELT SO HOT I KEPT HAVING THE IMAGE STEAM WAS GOING TO COME OUT OF MY HEAR, HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA… … … HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAH HAH AHAHHAHA HAH AHA HAHA… … HA AH HAH AHA HAH AHHA HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA HAH AHA HAHHAHA …… AJJAJAJJAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH AHHAHAH AHA… …. … … i PUINCHED THE GLASS MONITOR, HA HAH A… … die…
ha ha ha ha ha./.. … im going to fucking kill you darkness… you take my words like that, and make them gone, hahah a haha h hah a hah ah ahh ah a
come here so i can kill you, hahahah hahahahah tous tuypid b8chh hah ah ah ah ha h ahah hahah hahah hahah h ahahh
come on darknes, ha hah ah.. iyyou wnat to do shit like that ot me, hah aha hha haha , come on ha hah ah hah
A
HAhahaHh
h
aido soome sbuitt to me? fukcihg kill yoiuk ahha ha haha… cofucking….l fuykcker…. ahhaha hah ha… i get a knigfe an fucking kill you, take myu words like that, ha ha… … duie…
nahahha… you stupid barstads… jaj ajahj… took,mewords, hah ahaahdhahhasdgjasdgjkag’Dg
dfdgh’ah hahahahah
abastsrd d,jahahha diek,azs.dhn gagga ajja, kill you, tohahhaha,m took my wordxs… I TYPED ALL OF THAT, NOW I NEED TO BEAT ON YOUR SOFT SKINNED BODY! YOU TOOK IT ALL!, YTOOAK IT hah a ha hah a… …
why can;’t you be human, hjuih? hah hah ahhah ahah ahhahahha , i teah cy ou a loesson ghahahahahha.. talke all that crap, and WINT GOVE IBACK HAHAH AHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHM FUCJUIBG HA=KIKLL YOU, HAHHA HAHAHHA HAHAH AHHA
Nightmaren, after that little display you’ve officially lost all remnants of credability I once possibly could’ve held for you. Why the fuck did you take the time to type this jibberish when you could’ve been recalling your O so perfect response to the fact that you’re a close-minded ass. Who’s the moron now you crazy fuck. What a waste of time you are!
Nightmaren, after that little display you’ve officially lost all remnants of credability I once possibly could’ve held for you. Why the fuck did you take the time to type this jibberish when you could’ve been recalling your O so perfect response to the fact that you’re a close-minded ass. Who’s the moron now you crazy fuck. What a waste of time you are!
Necrologia, I’m sorry but I must tell you that there is NO possible way that Nightmaren could’ve remembered everything he said. Most likely there was too much to remember. I don’t always agree with him but he had a DAMN good point in the post that made sense. LMAO….
Ohhhh, and here Necrologia comes here trying to make some comments towards me. I wasn’t even pissed off at you, I thought it was funny what you said about me. I was pissed off at Darkness.com for when I pressed submit and it and it said I had too many characters and pressed back and it deleted everything I typed.
But for making that unnecessary comment. I would kill you.
I mean it. I will kill you. You want to talk crap like that to me, when I went crazy like that. I would have takin a knife and shoved it upwards under your ribs you stupid shit trying to talk shit to me, that has nothing to do with you.
Where you live Necrologia?
And thank you Sweetness.
Okay Necrologia, you stupid narrow-minded fuck. You seem to think that I’m more close-minded than you are? That’s stupid ignorant bullshit, seeing the things you’ve typed up. I’ll have to re-read your ignorant shit over again to get the hate going, ‘cause right now I don’t give a fuck for your ignorant mind. I’ve never considered you an intellect high enough, for me to have to go into a debate type of style reprisal to your moronic biased comments about people helping others. But if you want me to be “rational” exactly what your stupid ass theorem of people that help others isn’t. I will, this Time for your ignorant more close-minded than your purblind mind can see.
To break it down.
———-
Quoth Necrologia,
“The most insidious form of victimization is to make one believe that they are victimized. If people are perpetually helped they will never have the motivation to better themselves or even learn from their folly. Sometimes people remain weak because somebody is always there to help them.”
~~
No. Wrong. The most insidious form of victimization is NOT to make one believe that they are “victimized”. That is YOUR opinion there is no true documentation and studies that that is “the most insidious form of victimization”. It’s also fairly ignorant.
Ex. Subject-AF has been raped. She doesn’t think she’s the victim, she thinks it’s HER fault. Now Subject-BF doesn’t think that! Subject-BF talks to Subject-AF and is trying to convince her that she has been done wrong. That she REALLY was the victim.
Now, is that really so the most insidious form of victimization? That Subject-AF who doesn’t believe she was “victimized”, is being talked to by Subject-BF thinking that Subject-AF truly indeed was “victimized”?
(cont. in next)
(…cont.)
~~
Also, it’s fairly ignorant of you. If you take the concept of HELPING and/or ASKING people things, such as “what’s wrong” or “is anything wrong” with them as making them believe that there is something wrong with them. It’s FAR better for a person to ask if they’re all right, to notice and care enough to ask. Then for a person to not even notice or care. Humans are mammals. They’re social creatures, without others they will die. People won’t live alone for as long as others that have friends and socialize. It’s what separates the mammals from the reptilians. AND YES! It’s true and it’s proven. There are studies, such as with babies. Their was a study done, what would happen with a baby infant if it is to have no interaction and loving content with another being. Not to be held, touched, or be played with. All of those babies, DIED.
Mammals are social creatures, especially humans. They’re well being depends on it. So when there is a person sitting on the ground alone in a hallway such as a school. Just sitting there and everyone passing the person by. Good chance it will make the person feel slightly better, if someone asks if they’re all right or starts talking to them. At least caring enough to notice and/or ask. Then just have everyone pass them by not looking, speaking, or noticing the person at all. Even if that person acts like an ungrateful bitch, as your stupid ignorant ass may.
(cont. in next…)
(…cont.)
———
Quoth Necrologia,
“This may not always neccessarily be the case, but I think its a possibility. So chill the fuck out you redonedant motherfuck, Nightmaren. Everybody is entitled to an opinion”
~~
Yes, everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. Just some are much smarter and sense-worthy, than your stupid ungrateful redundant* (notice the correct spelling) bias grannyfucker comments. So, why don’t you “chill out”? Bitch.
——–
Also Quoth Ignorance of Necrologia,
“ and if you can’t get yours across in a mature, civil fashion then maybe you’re the one who needs to shut the fuck up. So the next time you can’t fathom the concept of people seeing things differently from you, maybe you should think before you voice your insights.”
~~
Well, hmm. Here you are talking to me of mature civil fashion. Maybe you’re the stupid ignorant bitch, who needs to put more thought into things when you say puerile phrases, as “people that help others, are just selfish!
You are talking to me of “fathoming” the opposites perception? You need to work on your own insight skills (view inwards), you repugnant shit. You weren’t trying to view it from any other person’s point of view, besides your own bias “people that care enough to help you, are selfish” pervicacious shit.
Well put, Nightmaren. I actually rather enjoyed reading what you had to say this time around.
I’m well aware that you were mad at Darkness prior to this; it doesn’t make what you did any less logical or sensible.
Secondly, you are making assumptions as to the calibre of my character based upon ONE of my ideas, which I shall now expound upon: Yes, people help others because it makes themselves feel better, but that is not neccessarily a bad thing. Both parties benefit from one person helping another, who cares what instigated such an action? I am not against helping people, I just think it should be done in moderation.
I think you misunderstood me, which is as much your fault as it is mine for being vague. I also assure you that I hold your persona in no more esteem than you hold mine, but that does not give grounds to this petty dispute that has gone on for far too long; to be frank, I think we should end this rivalry and agree to disagree. Mind you I disagree with a couple things you’ve stated, but let us leave it at that. What say you, Nightmaren?
O, and Sweetness, I know he couldn’t have remembered everything, but he still could’ve recalled the skeletal form of his work and worked with it from there, but that is aside from the point. And yes, he did make a valid point, though the comments accompanying it are less than respectable or admirable in my opinion. But that is in the past.
lastly, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE. like your going to kill me through my computer screen? please!! I doubt your sincerety. If you were so quick to hastily exectue people you’d be incarcerated by now, or dead. Try to realize this is a site for discussion not empty threats about stabbing people. For someone so dead-set on helping people you certainly are quick to pass judgement on them. If you’ve any last words for me if you should choose to accept my truse(spelling?) feel free to voice them.
Galaxy–Besides venting your emotions, how would you like people to respond to your post? What do you want insight into? Some posters have great advice for those who want to stop cutting, but you seem to be wanting more advice than that…
I’ll go out on a limb and say that life didn’t screw you over, or didn’t force you to help screw it over. Very often people will make life harder for themselves because its more at “home” for them. Happiness can feel so alienating when we’re addicted to our depression.
You seem very distraught, and I’m familiar with all these feelings. But If you don’t specify what type of help/advice/consolation you want, all I can do is pat you on the back and say “there, there. there, there.”
p.s. I like cupcakes.
Galaxy, I’m sorry. I really understand what you’re saying in your post and the only thing about it that I don’t like….in fact….it drove me up the wall when I read it, was the first paragragh.
“lets cut the crap, sure i had a happy childhood. but i feel that is only because i was ignorant to the world around me”, What the FUCKING HELL??? Do you not LIKE the fact that you had a happy child hood because you were oblivious??? When you’re a child you’re not SUPPOSED to notice everything fucked up about the world. It’s called Innocense. What I wouldn’t give to have that again…I didn’t start feeling hurt by the world or anyone around me untill I learned that things being done to me were WRONG. That’s the story of so many people’s childhoods….anyway, I understand the rest. I related to much of it. Vent whatever…it’s cool. I just had to say something about that first paragraph….jeezfuckingnoodlepiss….
Doug BB~ im not quite sure exactly what my goal was to get out of posting all this, i just wanted to get it out, it was mostly a venting process. i would like to stop cutting but i dont feel that i would be able to, because it keeps me stable… i know exactly what you mean by people making their own life harder for them, ive witnessed it, and ive felt it happen, everytime im happy i feel weird being happy, like i dont deserve to be… then i find something wrong with my life again.
MasochisticSweetness~ yes i know exactly what you mean by what you’re saying, and i agree with you about what you said. what i meant by that is that i hate the fact that when you’re young everything is perfect and as soon as you find out something bad is going on then it just comes on as a wave of everything… but that is the point of innocence… and i do wish that mine was never taken away from me, so i guess i couldve stated my point in a better way, but i dont usually go back through what i have written. but also children have a very short memory, or at least i did, i did not even remember my mom going crazy when i was 5 until just a while ago… what i meant by what i said was that children think everything is perfect, and that has both good and bad effects that come out of it.
woops im on my friends, she used my computer, that was me galaxy on my friends name thingy, she didnt log off… sorry that was me above, im still on her name… damn it
Yeah, I’m turning this damn notify thing off, filling up my damn e-mail and I don’t even read half of this crap.
Aaaand hey Sweetness. I did reply to your letter, but the e-mail said it wasn’t working right now try later, and when it went back, it deleted my letter… I then said:
“Bugger… I hate that crap…”
Yeah, so if you get to read this first… … blame it on my e-mail for not being able to reply to you…
necrologia and nightmaren, much as you both make valid points on occasion, that doesn’t give you the right to clog our computers with this stupid shit petty arguing. I mean, do you not have day jobs?
Necrologia, leaving people to help themselves is someties selfish and unrealistic. Nightmaren, sometimes people do help others just to fuel their own ego.
Try to help the people who post, give them encouragement, give them a friendly ear, give them anything you can. But don’t distract everyone with your petty squabbling. At least Necro still has a shred of reason left, if I were you I’d take him/her up on that truce.
ah, nightmaren, no time to talk, kill yourself, before your parents do….
hey blacklight… I just have one thing to say… AMEN TO THAT… both necrologia and nightmaren… shit… people let their whole lives out on this site… they give the world their trust… and u just squabble over it… its just fucked… just… ……… …… fucked
I will not apologize for retaliating against nightmaren. It is not my intent to clutter this cite with trivial squabbling. And as for people giving the world their trust, I’ve done nothing to violate that My dispute was with nightmaren alone; and I now seek to end this petty and cyclical dispute. May this be the end of this feud.
Good for you … stop typing until you have something constructive to say.
Seriously I do respect you for some of the points you’ve made. I got no worries with your previous attempts to defend yourself.
But do you not have an internal switch that tells you when a battle isn’t worth fighting? If not … grow one.
Hell MasochisticSweetness im still ignorant to the world around me, and for many good reasons. I beleive one must be, for if he isnt, he/she leaves them self open to alot of problems that are of no use and just complicate anything that is of worth… If i wasnt ignorant id probably be expelled from school, probably arressted from fighting for what i beleive to be true to my heart.As a child i wasn’t gifted with my innocence, by the age of seven i made my self an out cast because of what i beleived, *probably an early anger problem, but hey fuck it, its not bothering me anymore*…. I have no problem fitting in this fucked up society nowadays… I’m just ignorant to those that dont matta, which is bout 99.9% of those fuckers out there.. If you were to really contemplate over it, alot of unfortunate things could of been avoided if some dick head wouldnt of been taking shit so hard… So heres a tip pretend you have some of that innocence you Lost, cause as fucked up as it is something only hurts u if you allow it 2…. In other words the emotional pain inflicted by another is not inflicted enless you accept it… ex. ” i call someone a whore” they flipped out and started hurling shit at me, and in return suffer a much greater penalty then me.. I stated my opinion and she accepted it, and in turn by throwing something at me and being so disturbed she pretty much tells me shes a whore and that she doesnt want anyone to find out.. Just my tid bit o info, and im sure u know the girl didnt mean it as plain as that, and the Cuttin thing, like ive said b4 to others the Temporary relief isnt gonna getcha shit… Try to actually sit down and think about what bothers you soo much, and think about how petty it could be? and how useless it is to wonder over such menial shit… Well ive typed way 2 much, and time to hit the sack.. *sry for any mis types*
Oh, hell. Blacklight and Necro? There’s a reason I haven’t been posting and tried to turn off that stupid notify me to replying post.
It’s because I simply don’t care!
Bugger off you two, you don’t matter to me.
ahh…. ur all fighting…. that doesnt help anything … we all go through shit … yet we fight over what happens …. so people are stupid … were all stupid.
sorcha… good point