“What’s an image? It is something we portray to the world instead of our true selves. I am not a victim of circumstance. I chose this path and now I have to live with my decision. I chose the image. I just hope that when I die, my true self, not my image will live on with people. Most of Ridgemont will remember me as the ‘perfect girl.’ Only Sam and Carrie, I fear, will remember me. What a shame that when I die only two people will have known the real me.
–March 10, 2003
I wish I could talk to Sam. To tell her what’s bothering me. I can’t talk to Lisa about these things. She wouldn’t understand. Rick’s very mean. He hurts me a lot more now and I don’t know how to make him stop. I’d talk to Carrie, but I don’t want to burden her with my problems. She has enough to deal with. Sometimes, I wonder if she knows that I love her.
–March 17, 2003
I’m pregnant. I told Rick and went ballistic. He didn’t want a baby and when I told him that an abortion was out of the question he beat me pretty badly. He kept punching me in the stomach. I doubt the baby has survived.
–March 24, 2003
I’ve started seeing an out of state doctor under a fake name. The baby’s doing okay. If it’s a girl, I’ll name it Samantha Carrie McRoberts, after my two friends. If it’s a boy, I’ll name him Darren Nathaniel McRoberts, I like that name. I’m a month long and the doctor says everything’s okay. I’m not going to tell Rick. I’ll just let him find out when I start showing. I don’t want to keep it from him, but I don’t want him to hurt the baby.
–April 23, 2003
I just got home from the hospital. I broke down and told Rick about the baby. He beat me bad and I miscarried the baby. He doesn’t regret what he did at all. Knowing that my big mouth killed my baby is tearing me apart inside. Mom and dad found out and they decided not to tell Carrie. They think that Rick did the right thing and they won’t even let me have a funeral for the baby. They think I have disgraced the family. How could I come from such a cruel family? I hope Carrie never turns out like them.
–April 30, 2003”
— Janie’s journal entries