The War on SPAM

A common problem among Internet surfers these days is unsolicited email,

commonly called SPAM. It is often the result of a chain reaction that begins when

you submit personal information to an Internet site. “Your email address is required

for statistical purposes,” they often say. When you lend further contemplation to this

statement, you find that it is illogical. What kind of statistics can be gathered from

your email address? “Seventy point five percent of people who signed our guest

book have an account at hotmail.” Is this relevant?

Or, they may also tell you that they need your email address in order to send

you further information about the service you signed up for (or the survey you took,

etc.). Thus, from one of these two simple steps, the second stage in the SPAM

epidemic is initiated.

Before you know it, you’re on their mailing list and your inbox becomes

crowded with a perpetual flow of useless messages promoting the latest gimmick, or

a new way for you to lose all of that weight that you really don’t need to get rid of.

“LOSE 70 POUNDS IN TWO HOURS!”

“HOOK UP WITH BRAD PIT!! (OR PAMELA ANDERSON, OR SOME OTHER

SUPERFICIAL IDIOTIC CELEBRITY WHOM YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE A CHANCE WITH

ANYWAY!!)!!”

“THIS IS A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CHANCE TO VIRTUALLY EAT LEONARDO DI

CAPRIO’S SEMEN! COME ON! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! COME ON!”

“GET BACK AT YOUR BOSS WITH THIS INGENIOUS COMPUTER VIRUS WHICH

WILL MAKE A GIANT LIZARD JUMP OUT OF HIS COMPUTER SCREEN AT HIM AND

CAUSE HIM TO CONTRACT A CHRONIC CASE OF PSORIASIS!”

“BUY THESE MAGIC BEANS (GROWN BY JACK HIMSELF!) WHICH WILL CAUSE

YOUR HAIR TO GROW LUXURIANTLY – DEFY GENETICS! (UNFORTUNATELY, THIS

WILL CAUSE HAIR TO GROW NOT ONLY ON YOUR HEAD BUT ON YOUR ENTIRE

BODY, CAUSING YOU TO LOOK LIKE AN APE… AND YOU WILL BECOME IMPOTENT

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE… BUT THAT’S IN THE SMALL PRINT AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE MESSAGE WHICH YOU WON’T TAKE THE TIME TO READ ANYWAY!)!!”

From these slightly exaggerated examples it’s obvious that unsolicited emails

are a complete waste of time for the companies that send them. Occasionally one of

these messages may be opened, and in the rarest of cases, the person finds the

products or services being shoved down their throat useful. However, most

individuals dismiss these emails and treat them as exactly what they are: web-able

telemarketing. How desperate must you be for SPAM to be a worthwhile sales

method? It can be realistically estimated that out of every 100 unsolicited messages

sent, 15 prove successful in selling products to potential consumers. Sometimes

providers of email accounts can offer you a way to block SPAM, but what if you

prefer to keep your long-time account at Uncle Eddie’s Chainsaw Massacre Site(not

only is the service fast and friendly, but every time you log in you hear a live

recording of Eddie’s latest chainsaw excursion – what self-respecting soul would pass

that up?)? I say it’s time we initiate a war against SPAM! It’s time to take a stand!

And for our slogan? “SPAM – don’t eat it, delete it!”

If you value your freedom, your privacy, and your very SOUL, it’s your duty

to participate! Unless, of course, you would get some sort of morbid satisfaction

from VIRTUALLY eating Leo’s semen.