They way I feel

I am really feeling down at the moment. To tell you the truth, I dont know why. I have been depressed, and I thought that I already got over that, but then sometimes the feelings come back to me. Seriously I dont know what to do anymore.

I write a lot of poetry, because thats the only way I can let everything out. I used to think about suicide, but then I realized that if I did commit suicide, then I would bring my family and friends sorrow. I hate to see the people I care about sad. At first I didn’t know what I was living for, I questioned my life and my existence. Now I know that I live for my family and friends. The only tthing I’m searching for is myself. I don’t know who I am. At school, I always felt out of place, as if I didn’t belong with the people I hung out with. When I’m on this site, I don’t feel that way. I don’t feel out of place here. I recently started cutting, but not deep enough to bleed, just enough to feel pain. It’s comforting in some way, but I decided to stop. My parents don’t understand me. I just recently got in a fight with them. They were arguing about the way I dress. I’m wondering why they can’t accept me for who I am? I’m not doing anything bad, my grades haven’t gone down, so why can’t they just let me be? This is how I am, but they can’t see that. They wouldn’t even approve of this website. I just don’t understand sometimes, everything in life. Sometimes I really get down, and I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. Also, I have always been afraid to get close to people, or get too attached. I have noticed that everyone I get close to, they leave. My best cousin, they one who understands me from the family besides my brother moved to Texas. I can’t see her anymore. My grandma passed away, and I lost a lot of close friends. Just recently, I almost two closr friends. I’m scared to get to close to someone, for fear that they will leave. Maybe its better if I’m alone…cause I really dont know what to do anymore. Well, sorry for bugging all of you with my problem. I had to write it down, but I didn’t know where, so I wrote it here. Feel free to comment. Take care all of you!!


  1. Erm … you confuse me. You said your parents don’t understand you, but *obviously* they do.
    They understand enough to worry about your choice of dress etc, because they see it as a reflection of your mood. Which you have to admit is pretty shitty.

    Most parents have been through WAY more than us, right? And they know that little things are just a prelude to bigger things.
    They assume that with you (like with alot of people) this attitude you have will lead into an environment with other similarly lonely people, which leads into the idea that cutting might help, which leads into cutting, which leads into cutting a little too far and ending up in ER. Or something equally bad.

    This is the course that alot of us take, and you can’t blame a parent for wanting to stop it before it reaches a different level. They’re human, they worry, stop being a pain in the ass and judging them for it. You couldn’t do any better as a parent, so give them a chance.

    You can dismiss that as bullshit if you like, but it’s true enough.

    Truth is, everybody hits the shitty spots where they’re “depressed” and they think nobody understands it. BULL SHIT. We all understand it, we’ve all been to that same place, and the smarter ones amongst us know that it passes.
    One of these days you’re gonna be a stronger person and you’re going to look back and say “What the fuck was I thinking, I wasted SO much time”
    This is time you’ll never get back, and the sooner you realize that and stop moping, the better.

    Meanwhile, you can talk to me if you want ( ). I’m afraid I won’t pity you, because I go through worse shit than this every day.

    But … I know the problem always looks bigger from the inside, so I’m sure you’re very justified in feeling alone. Just remember you’re not.

    You pretty much have two choices – get close to people or be lonely forever. That’s it. Sure, there’s a chance they’ll leave, (my dad died, my fiancee died, my best friend left … blah de blah … we’ve all been there too). Some things are meant to be, but not meant to last – GET OVER IT.

    If you don’t even try then you don’t even get any happy memories to take with you. And that just plain sucks.

  2. You said you don’t know who you are, and you don’t want to get close to people anymore. Can’t you see that you’re only making things worse for yourself by doing that? We learn about ourselves best through others. Letting people get to know us, and then talking to them about what they see. Letting their interests affect you and perhaps help you to find a new life path etc. You will never fully understand who you are and where you’re headed unless you let other people in. And don’t think of it as you giving them a part of yourself, but rather you both sharing parts of each other. And yes, people come and go, but they leave their mark, they help make us who we are, and we can find others. There will always be others. It’s better to miss someone you’ve known, than someone who haven’t allowed yourself to know.

  3. Thanks both of you, for helping realize me see things clearly. When I wrote that though, I was feeling really down, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I’ve been asking people what they think of me, and what do they see in me. It does help. I started doing that, since like you said Audryn I don’t know who I am, so I then asked people their opinion, and maybe that way I can find who I am. One of my friends told me though, that no one really knows who they are in this world. I’m sorry if I confused you guys. And, my parents don’t want me dressing like that because they don’t like it. I know that people have it more worse than me, and one thing I don’t want from people is pity. Well, like I said, I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote that. Blacklight, your right, when you look back upon your work, you wonder why the hell you wrote that. That’s what I’m wondering right now, why I wrote that in the first place.

  4. Shit, I messed up in the beginning. I meant to say *Thanks both of you, for helping me realize and see things more clearly.* Well, take care all of you.

  5. Oh for pity’s sake. Don’t find yourself through other people! If you don’t know yourself you can’t expect them to know you.
    There’s some things you just gotta do alone. Or at least start alone. Friends are for support, not to define us.

    You’ve got this incredible chance – you got a clean slate. Instead of discovering yourself, why don’t you try making yourself into who you wanna be?

  6. I guess your right. Do you by any chance have any kind of messenger?

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