It seems now that I am obligated to be something. At first it was just I’m being “myself” but now it’s like I am expected to be a certain way or something because everytime I turn around it seems like I am being critized about something or another. But not by people who hate me, I have conquered that part of the quest.
It seems like I now instead of having friedns I have peers. Like I am raised up onto a pedistool for all to worship. Sometimes my closest friends make me feel nervous because it is like I am responsible for everything they ever do or say. Sometimes they make me feel like god. I feel so important yet so disrespected. It seems like I don’t have time for my own problems anymore so I just don’t have any. But when people I care about are in pain I can feel it and when I hurt them it hurts me so much more. They will never relize all of the sacrifices I have made for all of them and now that I after so long am finally in love it seems like my friends are beginning to feel neglected and they complain about it constantly but they still need me and I am still there for them but I find myself instead of not being able to cry at all I cry too much and I constantly yell at myself for being so selfish and trying to control everybodys lives all the time but I only tried to help them I never ment to hurt them but sometimes it feels like they control me and it hurts sometimes. SOmetimes I just want to run away and start over… I don’t want this “following” and I don’t want people to agree with me. I wanna be a normal 14 year old girl instead of acting so mature all the time but if I ran away from them (my friends) I would only be hurting myself so I stay here, trapped in my little world of anger and pain and depression, even though I’m never depressed and usually don’t have emotions, just moods, I find myself now angry, more than I use to be and sad and crying more then I used to. I just wish they knew how much I love them and how much I would give up for all of their pain and problems to go away. I used to think that I oculd save the world but those were only childhood dreams that will never come true so I will just stay here waiting for something to happen to me waiting for someone to save me from myself and waiting to fall off this cloud or maybe I will just jump, and run with it. Maybe I WILL run away, but I could never stand the looks on their faces when I left them and I woould die from the pain I left them with. I am so scared that they will never ber able to take care of themselves but I will always be here but I just want ot know what it is like to be on the ground and on the same planet with them. TO be equal instead of empty…
Hello, meet another who’s been put on pedistools from time to time and resented it. And as for followers, I am the same and it is all so hollow; they’ll follow like mindless sheep and ignor you at the same time. And I’ve also been myself all my life, can’t be anything else, and the same as you, found people will resent this when they find you don’t comply to their ideas of you or who they think you are.
It can be such a hard and lonely road to travel in the end, but one well worth it for your own integrity and well-being. Really being yourself is the hardest thing to do, when you have the whole system working against you, saying you should be yourself and wanting the opposite.
the word is pedestal** by the way.
I stopped trying to be what everybody expected me to be a long time ago. I found that there’s only a few people whose opinion really makes a difference to me.
You have to find a balance between thinking about yourself and thinking about your friends, and if at any time you feel like you’re leaning one way instead of the other, sit them down and talk to them.
Tell them you care about them and you want to be there for them, but you feel like you’re suffocating under the pressure.
Most people will understand, and the ones that don’t understand are the selfish ones.
It seems a bit scary, but one day all these people are going to be forced to make it through on their own, there’s no option about that. And the more you humor them now, the harder it’s going to be when you finally let go.
Never push them away, just let them know you need them to back off a little.
Remember something, before you sacrifice yourself for the sake of others. If they were worth it, then they wouldn’t let you self-destruct for their benefit, after you’ve let them know. Right now maybe they have ignorance as an excuse, but that can be easily fixed.