I’m not suicidal, in fact I’m very scared of dying, just because I’m afraid of punishment. I’m always afraid that at any moment I’m alone, God will send a lighting bolt down to kill me. And, I’m always waiting for it. I’m always tormented by the thought of dying, but as long as I have someone around, then I’m fine.
I can’t stand my parents and I avoid them at all costs. Which is hard because they don’t let me leave the house other then to go to school. They are very religious and I woulnd’t have anything against it, but they go about it all the wrong way. All of a sudden, they are trying to convert me, and they get mad and don’t understand that maybe it’s hard for me to suddenly make a transition like that after spending my whole life being exposed to other stuff. My life isn’t all that bad, I have friends who definitely have it worse. But I can’t help but complain sometimes because, sure, it could be worse, but it could be better too. And we aren’t trying hard enough to make it better, I don’t understand why my parents don’t just want me to be happy, but that’s not their concern. That want me to be successful and have money, but what’s the point if i’m not enjoying it? I’m absolutely bored, scared, and everything unpleasant at all times and I’m finding it hard to find things to look foreward to. And what makes me so mad is that I am very capable of being happy if I could just be away from my family for a while. But they don’t see it like that, and there’s not much I can do. So, what’s left? I hurt myself in all kinds of ways just because when I hurt myself, then it’s like I’m hurting everyone who has rejected me, not taken me seriously, or tried to force me to conform to their beliefs. When I’m in pain, I hope that all the ignorant bastards of the world can feel it. But, I lnow they don’t, which is why I’m so angry. What can I do? It seems so hopeless.
one note of advice: stop hurting yourself. Hurting yourself on the outside does not make the hurting on the inside any less painful.
Blessed Be
Have you tried talking to them about it? All I can say is do what makes you happy, and to hell with what everyone else thinks.
It’s sort of difficult to talk to my parents, they are very close-minded and my dad’s response is usually some sad story about how awful his childhood was and that it was worse then mine and I have absolutely no right to complain. But, I don’t even worry about it anymore. I try to be happy and let his own hatred eat away at him, because I’m sick of it.
I feel exactly the same at times. Infact all the time. But don’t hurt yourself. Just a month ago if I was really pissed or hurt you could probably find me sitting at home in my room or on the bus or at school in my desk even cutting myself. It eases my pain and anger. But I’ve learned that I my relax me and blank my mind for a while, the pain will come back and those around you who hurt you will never feel the pain. The majority of my scars we’re caused (okay really by me but reasoned by) Nick a friend of mine. I’ve been doing my best to stop but eventhough it shouldn’t be, the blankness of my mind, the cutting was addictive. I still have my stash of broken cans, tacks, staples, blades, glass, ect just incase i really need a mind blank. but they never feel the pain of what you do to yourself. (infact i didn’t feel pain either) But just bare it. or find someone you can talk to because if you hurt yourself they don’t feel it and even if they know they might not care. just bare it and be happy. (another thing i’ve learned to do- but i’ve been doing if for about 5 years- is put on an act for everyone around you let then think your happy till soon enough you’re putting on an act for yourself so you cant tell you hurt inside, i know this probably isn’t healthy but it’s a short term fix that takes much training. but it works for me. just put on an act…) some of these probably aren’t the best choices but it’s what works for me that i’ve found…
Hello, I honestly hope you feel better but hurting yourself only makes things worse. After all.. the pain doesnt end with you. As for God.. erm… I doubt that He’ll send a bolt of lightning to smite evil doers.. hardly his style.
All the evil shit I’ve done, God never sent so much as rain to me. I wouldn’t worry about him, I really wouldn’t.
Erm, if your Dad tells you stories about what his childhood was like, he’s doing a helluva lot more to try and help than my Dad ever did. So be grateful for it – at least he’s trying. It’s not his fault you’ve confused the hell out of him and he doesn’t know what else to do.
You think your life isn’t their concern?Grow the fuck up. I mean, of course it’s their concern if they think you’re gonna make yourself poor and unhappy.
All your ideas about enjoying yourself soon disappear when you can’t afford to eat – trust me, I know.
It’s funny how you put boredom before all the other bad shit. Maybe your problem is just that you’re a bored kid who doesn’t have anything better to do. It’s a sad waste – I mean you’ve got your youth, your health, all the opportunities in the world, and you’re too busy hating your parents and cutting yourself to do something that might make you happy.
Newsflash hun, one day your parents are gonna die and you’ll be sitting on earth (in your crappy little apartment coz you didn’t wanna be too ‘successful’) and you’re gonna think “hmmm. maybe it wasn’t such a pain in the ass to have two people caring about me and my future.”
I wanna say shit like everybody else, like “I hope you feel better etc etc” but you’re bringing this all on yourself. You can blame your parents if you want, but it’s bullshit. It’s easy to blame them now because they’re there. But if you lost them you’d feel shitty again, and then who are you gonna blame?
Nah, this is all on you. But on the plus side, one of these days you’re gonna get outta this mindset and realize how self-inflicted your pain is.
I just hope that you can do something worthwhile in the meantime. The longer you sit around whining, the longer you’ll be miserable. Focus on something else. Get that good job, get some money in the bank and then when you’re older you can buy a plane ticket to wherever you want, and see if it really is Mommy and Daddy who are making you so unhappy.
well, thanks MOTHER, but like you said, I have good enuff parents already. I don’t know why I started this, in fact I don’t even remember writing it, and at the moment, I fully agree with everything you said. But, that’s the way I get, and I don’t really remember what I feel or have much control over what I do. When I get angry, my anger takes over and all I can remember a couple days later is being scared for my life. It’s sort of hard to explain, but, there has to be some reason why I’m like that. And, also, there are some things you don’t know. There are a few grudges that I’ll probably always hold against my parents that I don’t even think about unless my dad tells me that I’m going to die and go to hell, then I get mad, and I think about all the things I had to go through because of them. Like rape, abuse…. la ti da etc. Nothing that they directly did to me, but stuff they let happen fo years and now they don’t even consider that when they tell me what a wonderful life I have. And, I definitely know it could be worse, and that’s what makes me want to be alive. so… yeah
Mother? Father, at least, surely. I hope I don’t look like anybody’s mom … coz that would be unfortunate for them 🙂
lol, well, PARENT, then to be politically correct
okay i’m still kinda stressed by your lack of convinction on the fact i’m male. guess i can let it slide tho