Tired of the BS

I suppose it’s my blinding idealism that causes me so many problems, because an unsettlingly large part of me has no understanding whatsoever of why I’m denied the very things that make me feel alive. Happiness hasn’t been an option for me lately, so I turn to other emotions to sustanence and fullfillment. Lust, pain, and vibrancy are what I cling to-they remind me that I’m still breathing.

However, the activities that provide me with these feelings are not the kind of things you can do in class.

How I loathe high school with it’s well-meaning restrictions on my creativity! I have talents that I’m aching to share with the world, and instead I’m forced to learn useless, meaningless facts. It’s suffocating and I resent it.

Sure, there are perks. I’m surrounded by intelligent, beautiful girls all day (I’m bisexual), I’m far enough from home that my whereabouts can easily be lied about to my parents, drugs are easy to find (tangential note: might I state that view marijuana as a substance less harmful than alchohol, because all it does is alter my perception of myself and the world, providing a different and often more pleasant experience. I am well aware of it’s side effects and dangers; I am not in denial of their existance. However, I feel that if used in moderation, it’s benifits outweigh it’s downsides. I’m only defending my habit to dispell any ideas that I use drugs to escape, or even worse, to “fit in”) and school also provides oppurtunities to perform, exposure for my writing and artwork, and a good forum for meeting young men from neighboring schools. These aspects of school make it bearable.

Bearable, but unpleasant, that is. I truly believe that sitting through class after boring class contributes to my depression. Being in Catholic high school isn’t fun, especially when you’re a bisexual gothic atheist . The strict uniform code severly limits my personal expression. My schedule is designed by an 80 year old nun and I have no choice as to what classes I take. I’m the smallest minority here, being one of two goths in the school. Nuns don’t like me, and the climate here is vaguely homophobic because of the stereotype that being in an all-girls school will “turn you gay, so I can’t be open about my sexuality without repulsing or inciting fear in some of my classmates. Add all this to my sadistic, vampiric, pyromaniac nature, all of which I must carefully conceal, and it’s not exactly a fun experience.

I’m not looking for pity, and I hope I don’t sound like another whiny, angsty teenager. I’m just frusterated with the fact that I have 2 1/2 more years of this in front of me. Time seems to be slowing down for me and speeding up for everyone else. I know that college will be better, and I know that while important, these four years aren’t a blueprint for the rest of my life. It’s just that all the things that are designed to excite high school girls (dances, boys, cars) are things that I no longer take much interest in. I’m being controlled by my parents and the administration at school, and I’m tired of dealing with it-I’m not ready to be completly independant by any means, but I’d really like to make my own descisions about things that directly affect me. I’ve come this far, and I’m sure I’ll survive the rest of it, but what matters right now is that I’m going to get detention for being late for class…goddamnit.

By The Evil Cheezman

Purveyor of sacred truths and purloined letters; literary acrobat; spiritual godson of Edgar Allan Poe, P.T. Barnum, and Ed Wood; WAYNE MILLER is the head architect of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, serving up the finest in entertainment and edification for the stage, the page, and the twain screens, silver and computer. He is the axe-murderer who once met Andy Griffith.