To Sydney with love.

You came into our lives like a bombshell.
One second it’s a lovely spring morning with birds chriping, and the next everythings upside down and you have to scoop yourself off the ground.

I was so afraid when I first learned you were coming. I was terrified, after all what kind of mentor could I be? In all honesty, I’m a 19 year old, drop out, drunk, unemployed waitress, who spent most of her teen years in mental hospitals. What kind of credentials are those?!

After awhile the fear turned to panicy excitment. I tried so hard to make every thing perfect for when you got here. I worked on myself, I looked past myself, towards you. Shawn and I got married, times were very happy. Everything was becoming clear in my life, it was like the smoke was clearing and I could finally see what was ahead of me.

Three days before you came, I said some things I will never ever forgive myself for. Forgive me, I said them out of doubt.

You came to soon. For days in the hospital I fought to keep you. I couldn’t though. I couldn’t (it’s getting hard to type this)
You were beautiful, the only thing I’ve ever done right. Perfect little hands, button nose, peach fuzz hair; So small and delicate. I held you as you left me. An hour after you came you were gone. In that hour, you made more of an impact on my life, than anyone before. You tought me so many lessons, and your departure broke my heart. I have to pick up the pieces.

Sydney I love you. I wish we had more time, but since we didn’t I have to settle with your brief memory. My precious daughter.