True Sadness

Sitting at home, online as usual, that seems to be the only thing I do anymore besides go to high school.
No one is online, nothing to do, Ive been on since 2:30 pm, and not its 9:00 pm. I have no life, nothing at all. All I do anymore is eat rarely, sleep rarely, go online constantly and watch tv whenever I can’t go online. I have no social life at all, well I do, but one the same as a bat, sleeps with others in the save shelter, but is always on its own, yep, thats me all right. My name is Raven. Im a 16 year old gothic/punk girl that is a huge social outcast, but do you think I care? no…except for times like this.
I only have one good friend thats not an internet friend. Her name is Chrystal, but the only time I speak with her is in school, so in a way I don’t have any friends. Tonight for the first time in a long time Ive acually felt what its like to be abandoned, I cant explain why tho. I have been really depressed lately, and I am doing nothing to stop it, I guess I like the feeling for some strange twisted morbid reason.
This is too much lately, I cannot handle this anymore. I cannot put on a happy content face for people! I have to end it, here and now.
I write down a letter to my mother explaining her my life, since she knew absolutely nothing about the real me, all she and everyone else knew was the cover.
After I put the letter in its proper place on my mom’s bed to be discovered by her I stick a knife into my pocket and leave the house. Its a cold winter night, around midnight now. I walk slowly down the street shivering from the cold seasonal weather. I finally get to my destination, its a huge tree that I often played around as a little child, before all my sadness happened. I sit on the cold frozen ground and think, think about my life in its short 16 years. About how i grew up, my family, my friends..or should I say aquantences, and just life in general. I feel at peace for the first time in 8 years. “hmm” i say to myself,” I’ll miss you Brandon, my sweet baby nephew, and you jen, your a great sister, and Scott, I couldn’t ask for a cooler brother in law, and Zombie and Stefany, you 2 showed me what good friends acually are even if you 2 were only online and Im sorry I cant come to meet you, just please dont forget about me, and PLEASE dont follow my example, same with you 2D, I really wish I knew how to hold on like you do, but oh well, my wounds just cry for the grave.” With this I take the knife out of my back pocket and look into the brilliant shinning steel that will end my miserable life.
One full hour passes and I cannot bring myself to do it. I sigh and start crying, “Why the fuck cant I do it! im so miserable! what is my purpose in life to be miserable!?” I start walking back to my home which i do not call a home normally, just an address where to find me any time, anyday. Suddenly out of nowhere a car comes speeding down the street and stupid me I just stare into it like a deer on a highway and think to myself “whats someone doing here at this hour?” then Im hit, Im thrown in the air and to the side of the street, the knife falls out of my hand and into the snow besides me and I fall still, alive, conscience, but unable to move. Pain overwhelms my body and i start to cry, I want to scream for anyone, but I can’t, it appears my jaw is broken, ‘Mommy’ I think to myself. I driver of the truck steps out and sees me, he cant believe it and doesnt know what to do. He sees the knife in the snow at his foot and takes it and pus it in my hand and get into his viacle and speeds off.
It starts snowing again and I still lay there, I know I have internal bleeding because i can taste my own blood full my mouth and pour out of corners. I think to myself as the sun rises and I know Im close to death ‘ so this is what it’s like, to know its the end’ I hear a scream and I see my mom, my sister Jen my nephew. I see how scared and shocked they look. I try to look up at them but I can only see my nephew sitting next to me, “hey Brandon…listen kid..dont forget about me ok? I love you..” and with that I fall faint and die.
My life was a very bad one, but if I could change anything about it, I wouldn’t die and I would tell so many people that I acually do love them. Oh well, cant change the past..Life goes on…