True Story – Suicidal thoughts -my LIfE

It All Started When I Was About 13 and in the 8th grade . ..i Was growing up alot faster then alot of the other girls so i looked like i was about 16 or 17. I Wanted to go out ALL the time. i had friends alot older then me and boyfriends that were 17 or 18 and i wanted to go driving around with them.

It All Started When I Was About 13 and in the 8th grade . ..i Was growing up alot faster then alot of the other girls so i looked like i was about 16 or 17. I Wanted to go out ALL the time. i had friends alot older then me and boyfriends that were 17 or 18 and i wanted to go driving around with them. have a lil fun and party. my parents didnt really approve of course i got pissed off at them and begged and begged. After it all still didnt work so i’d pretend to be goin to a friends house and go wherever go out find some parties and get trashed. what first started out with just having a lil fun turned into a HUGE problem. there was a chance for me to try some different things at first it was just weed and booze. i thought whats so bad about that . i’d get so drunk and pass out on the floor of someones bathroom i didnt know covered in my own puke. I went to school like that.well i changed clothes of course but theres still a hang over with all that partying. i’d walk into homeroom and my Head would be pounded my ears were ringing and everyones like yo what the fucks wrong with you. well thats not it i’d just get home from school and try to do it all over again. and i did . i stared getting in some trouble in school and out of school i was always in in school suspension and had permanent detention. and got kicked out of school a couple times for fighting. i talked back to the teachers and had a few good friends that i’d party with which was pretty much my gang. my parents didnt like all the phone calls from school and my grades had dropped …really dropped . . . i’m saying like less then 20% in every class i still wanted to have fun tho. but my parents had grounded me. for THE first time i was grounded and couldnt do shit . it was only 2 weeks but it was the WORST. i didnt really like the being grounded so one day after school i didnt get on the bus and went with my boyfriend and some friends and got trashed yet again …. but this time i tried something new …acid i started seeing and hearing things that werent there n i had NO idea what was goin on and can barely remember what happened that nite but i remember i woke up the next n had a really bad headache … and i had lost my virginity and didnt even remember it at first i thought i had been raped . but i found out what really happened . ne ways i went to school . after being out for almost a week . everyone knew me as a “slut” and had these lil gurls wanting to beat my ass n i had never seen em before i just decided to block out what people were sayin about me . i just said to myself … Fuck everyone else i dont care what they think … but it still had an affect on my self esteem . i didnt really do the drugs as much but still went and had some fun. a lil too much fun . ended up on probation at 13 Fuckin years old for burning down a trailer . i ended up doin 50 hours of community service but still didnt learn my lesson and kept gettin in trouble in school and had to go to a weekend boot camp which Sucked. hmm.. after that i got off but them still kept on getting in trouble . i started cutting. deep DEEP cuts . everytime me n my parents fought or sumthing would happen between me n a friend or me n a boyfriend .. i thought cutting could make me feel the pain and i loved it .. it became an addiction literally i used to sit in school .. and be like i need to fuckin cut NOW .. i got desperate and stole some x-acto knife blades from shop and went into the bathroom and cut my wrists and them cut on my legs… my ankles. i’d get bloody all over the bathroom stall and would miss half of my class cuz i needed to cut . with my family. my mom didnt find out about the cutting until like a couple months later when i forgot to cover the scars she didnt really say anything cept she wanted me to stop and she was a lil disappointed but she didnt really think i was thinking about suicde but i was …on a daily basis but even i didnt think i would go through with it until i could out that my boyfriend of 7 months cheated on me with my best friend . . . i was so …. i cant even explain it ..i was so mad but then i was parinoid and depressed cuz thats sumthing he said he’d never do … after a while we n him made up and so did me n my friend . . . but then she lied to me about everything and so did he and i gpt really depressed and took some pills it wasnt a whole lot i jus wanted enough to get me a lil high on sumthing to make me feel good after a while i broke up with the guy for MY best friend cuz he talked so sweet to me and said he’d never cheat on me and he didnt we had some awesome times together and i was actually happy for once in my life i was happy but then THE GIrL that had done stuff with my other boyfriend showed up at my NEW boyfriends school ( he goes to IU13) and they started talking and me n him got into a fight about it he he broke up with me cuz he thought i was jealous which i admitt i was cuz i really had a thing for this guy and i couldnt get over him . . . and after that we werent really friends anymore . . i went back to cutting …More then before my legs look horrible from everything cuz i was scared to do it on my wrist cuz people would see and i didnt want people to judge me . . cuz of that but i got really upset over sumthing i dont know . .. but i just could not stop thinking about this guy… so i took more pills .. at first it was for my headache then i was like . . . no one will care …just take the whole bottle .. so i did . i member . . . falling down the steps on my way to get a drink and i hit my head . . and woke up in the hospital with tubes down my throat and my mom and my aunt rite beside me …. i tried to get up i wanted to see who was all there and i wanted to go home so bad and just get out .. i have this phobia of hospitals i get nervouse just goin in to visit someone if i had to . but i didnt get to go home . i talked to a guy from the crisis center and he recommended i go to philhaven for a while . so i did annd hated it i was only in for about 4 days but felt like 10 years and i felt like i was in jail . they took everything my jewelry my shoe laces i couldnt shave my legs for 4 days and i had to ask to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and sumone had to watch . and all i could have in my room was my clothes and the ned of course and i shared a room . i couldnt wait to get out . but it wasnt over yet i still had to go . but didnt sleep there . i went to they day program for about 2 weeks and realized hurting myself isnt the way to deal with pain. i thought everything was gona be ok i could go back to school and do good and get along with my parents. Boy, was i WoRnG . my first day back to school . i got in school . and about a week later i got into an arguement with my dad . about something stupid and the next day i didnt come home from school again . just like old times . i went to my guy friends house and drank no drugs just had a couple wine coolers and a 40 . i decided to go back home cuz i actually felt bad for my mom and got home at about 230 in the morning went up to my room and didnt say a word. i put my head phones on i was still awake when my door opened and my dad was standing there but he didnt seems pissed off he was crying . . . i thought someone had happened to my mom i turned my music off and heard my mother screaming in Agony i could hear her get the car keys and pull out of the drive way it took a while for my dad to tell me what the hell was going on i was so confused i though sumthing happened between them then he told me . My grandma had a heart attack. WHILE I was running away . i was having fun and drinking and my grandma(who i was pretty closeto) was dying i tried to tell myself everything was gonna be ok. it seemed like forever my mom was gone.me and my dad sat in the living room in total silence and the phone rang it was my mom it tears sayin my grandma had just passed away. my heart dropped and i blacked out. i woke up and was in my bed. but i still knew what was goin on. she was goin and i didnt get to tell her bye . i had my favorite blade under my pillow and i cut away at my arm. my sheets were stained red. but that wasnt enough i had to do sumthing else . i wanted to see her one last time . so i thought the only way i’m gonna be able to see her is if i die too. i got some rope … tied it around my neck tight enough to where i almost couldnt breathe and opened the window tied it to i dunno what the hell it was sumthing on the outside of our house i sat on the window with my legs dangling down wishing someone would just push me out but then i stopped and thought about my mom … i mena her mother just died i couldnt image what would happen to her if her daughter did too . so i crawled back in…Horrified at what i was just about to do i broke down in tears. my mom come home at like 4 and saw my neck the rope burn and she just hugged me and cried i didnt know what to do or say . i didnt sleep the rest of that nite … the wind was way to heavy which was weird i thought it was my grandma tellin us she made it and shes ok …i just sat up all nite and thought about her. i went to the veiwing and the funeral and everything it was the hardest thing i ever had to do . she was my last grandparent and she was the closest . after that period things didnt get any better i still was cutting still getting in trouble and my grades werent any better and i hated my parents . me and my dad never talk . but we did get into a fight abot whatever. i think me getting in trouble and my cutting. i dont even member what was said but i just went up to my room . and was cutting again. my dad wanted me out of the house . my mom took me to the hospital to get my cuts checked out and went back to philhaven day program i moved in with my sister which was good cuz she lives in the city and before i lived in the middle of no where ..and i had more freedom but was still depressed but getting some help really does work even after i was in and of rehab i thought i was gonna give up but people kept caring so i wanted help for myself i wanted to be happy.i still went out with friends and had fun and ya know got high but it wasnt as bad as before when i would get so messed up i didnt know what the fuck was goin on. but i learned some coping skills ….what i can do instead of cutting. but if your a cutter . cutting doesnt only hurt you but it hurts the people around you that care about you. and no matter how depressed you are or how bad your life may seem at the time of whatever is goin on just remember people care. I can honestly say i care and i can feel for you if your depressed and thinks no one understands cuz i do understand and alot of other people do to. there are alot of people out there dealing with this same problem . and before you think about doin sumthing to hurt urself or end your life like i attemped more then a couples times. just stop and think … about your family and what would happen to them if sumthing happened to you and your friends … who could easily be affected by your decisions . they could do the same if they care about you . and if you cared about your family and friends you’d wanna stay alive for them.
i have to admitt it was really hard for me . and if it wasnt for everything everyone did for me i prolly wouldnt. if nobody cared about me like i thought i’d prolly be 6 feet under rite about now. but i got through it. not completely theres still times when i wanna cut and sumtimes still do i mean i’m not perfect and i admitt i still drink and party but i realized life is worth living for . and i think if your a person dealing with what i did you should realize it too.