Venting: Chapter 1

Madness does speak to me, it surely does. It’s telling me to just go up to her someday, and put my arm around her. But, as is the way with madness, it won’t let me stop there. It sees the incline of her neck, her spine… and it wants me to kiss every inch of it. Slowly, carefully, yet, urgently, as though I would perish if I let her go for even a moment. And what holds me back, you question?

The realization of what such an action would cost me. Surprise, followed by revulsion would trace her features. I would lose an unaccountable amount of face. What little respect any of them have for me would dissipate. I would lose the job, but that really wouldn’t bother me as much. It’s easy for me to make “friends”, I make them left and right. But I’m awful at keeping friends, even the ones that I really like. And there really isn’t anyone better than me at losing them.
But sometimes, I dream that she’ll respond. She’ll smile lazily, and fall back into my arms. She’ll put her hands on mine, and trace her fingertips over mine… and here the dream ends. I don’t know what would come after this. Maybe a nice big “The End” sign across the screen, wouldn’t that be nice Jason? Yeah, boyo, that’d be swell. We’ll all live happily ever after. What a fucking load of crap. Maybe you should’ve gone to see that shrink.
I think I would’ve, if I’d had money. But then, maybe I wouldn’t be quite so twisted, if I’d had money. If I’d had money to burn, I would’ve bought a car, and I could afford to take girls places. I could take them to fancy restaurants, and the movies, or take them on long road-trips. I hate being so poor. I hate having to worry about money. I hate to think what my family has to give up for my stupid education. I hate myself. I hate myself for forcing them to make that choice. And to be honest, it hadn’t been much of a decision. I needed an education, so they shut up and shelled out. And I took it. I took their money. I took their money without so much as a protest. And now it runs through my fingers like fine sand. I so hate myself.