I used to cut along my forearms. Nice, neat, little cuts, usually along the circumference, but a few along the length to break up the monotony. And for a few brief moments, I’d have peace. I could berate myself for my stupidity, wash the blood off my arms, and then get to work. I did that for about three-and-a-half years.
I started during the final term of my A’ Levels at school, and I stopped this March. It started with a near breakdown, and it ended with a breakdown. And both were triggered by girls I was attracted to. I had them coming, no doubt, I was under a lot of pressure, financial, and of course, my studies. But I’ve dealt with both before. Perhaps money was a new experience, at least at this scale, but I’ve always had a lot of pressure about getting good grades. It’s my own fault. I just had to do better than my stupid, know-it-all sister, and my parents were all over it. So, I had to do even better next time to keep them happy. And so I have. But women… well now, we’ve stepped into uncharted territory.
I’m attracted to them, every last one of them. They all have their attractions, and they’re all my weaknesses. Something about the way they smile makes my knees weak, and makes my stomach do somersaults. Yes, I know, the expressions are overdone, but there really isn’t a better way to explain the sensation, which, all in all, is rather pleasant, if it didn’t make it impossible for me to function. The first, I guess, had been my first best friend, X. She’s still a friend, but she’s grown beyond my reach. She’s smarter than I am, she has more money, she’s attractive, and she has a future. My only claim to her is a rather suspect story of my kissing her in kindergarten. But that really doesn’t count, because I was almost normal then.
Y, she started me on my downward spiral. I am so tempted to blame her for everything. That stupid bitch, why couldn’t she have left me alone? What did I ever do to her? No, she just had to go to the front of class and call me a freak. Gee, why couldn’t we just pretend that I felt self-conscious already, and she didn’t have to call attention to my shortcomings? That fucking bitch. She couldn’t have made fun of the guy who made fun of her all the time, or his partner in crime. No, she had to pick me, ‘cause I make such an easy target. And I was so much in love. And I’d look at my reflection in the mirror, and try to imagine how she saw me. Suffice to say, I started ignoring my reflection afterwards. I still try not to stare at my reflection, unless I’m not wearing my glasses, in which case, I let my imagination make me beautiful.
Everything would’ve been all right, though, if it hadn’t been for the school. I would’ve gone on to my original school for my A’ Levels, and she could’ve gone on to wherever, and I would’ve forgotten her, and a lot of other bad things would’ve never happened. But C had to put in his 2 cents. Judas Iscariot sold me to the Jews for a few pieces of silver. I hope he burns in hell. And I hope the Lord saves a spot for me right next to me, because I deserve to burn for all my sins for all eternity.
Back with Y, back in love, and we hired a driver. And that asshole ran away with our stuff. May the Lord make his suffering endless. May every cell of his body burn to ashes, and then be born anew to burn anew. May worms feed upon him, may more fertile minds than mine give him suffering greater than any that I can imagine. I would not accept any action of my Lord’s as being just, if he is forgiven, and if he is not made to pay for his crimes against my family.
The madness spread, because I didn’t say a word. No, not I. I realized by this time that no one appreciated my expression of my emotions, so I locked them in, and threw away the key. And the Lord struck me down, for I believed that I could control them. I’m almost thankful for Heavy Metal and Rock, because they did slow the decay down. I’m almost certain they did, because they let me release at least some of the darkness within me. But I was only delaying the inevitable. I had to explode, and so I did.
It all came to a head after the two little freaks decided to break into our house on a warm Sunday in August. The two of them, with their gun and knife, nearly shit themselves. And they dared to enter MY home. They defiled MY sanctuary, and for that alone, I hope they die horrible deaths, and enjoy eternities of pain and anguish. And the one with the gun dared to threaten me, he dared to raise his eyes to my face, and tell me to lower my gaze. I hope someone tries that again. I will kill him. It would be most pleasurable.