Evening all,
How is everyone doing? Basically im just venting and typing whats on my mind. I come to this place because its one of the only outlets i have besides my normal writing. Tonight for me is just like any other night….
I get home from work and sit in my house waiting for sleep or i come here and post and read what other people have to say….then i go to sleep, wake up, eat and go to work again…. As of late , thats all there seems to be for me in life. I have no true friends, just aquaintances who say the usual bullshit recordings of “hi how are ya…” when they see me at work. Sometimes i wonder if people even know what theyre saying or even genuinely give a damn when they ask that, or if its just something thats become instinctful in our society today. No one calls me except bill collectors…I live by myself….my own mother doesnt even call me to say whats up or see how im doing…ive tried calling my family members but theyre always “busy” or want money from me when we talk…ive fallen out of touch with my family…lemme rephrase that….i never was in touch with my family….and at this current time in my life its like theyre non-existant. So basically the only human contact i have is with people out at stores when i shop or at work…the people at work are superficial and most are assholes…but ive numbed myself out to it…i present a marrionette of myself at work. Its almost like Im not even living…just having the same repetitive fucked up dream over and over again…I have an emptyness in me that I can5t describe or even begin to understand…the only emotion i feel lately is hate and sorrrow…because thats all ive ever learned…thats all thats there for me.
Dealing with life as of late has gotten so bad that i try not to interact with people as much as possible…when im off from work on certain days i put myself in self induced comas basically to sleep off the day….
Alot of you probably stopped reading my post and dont even care…but like i said im just venting….Its all just a whole bunch of random thoughts and feelings ive had locked up for a while.
I just really hate myself…not really accepted anywhere, theres no place for me, ive known this and i feel it deep in my bones….im even shunned among outcasts…..
I dont know anymore….ill stop bitching and ranting….just trying to break the everyday monotony….
Im so tired of this shit…..and i dont know how much longer i can put up with it
I meant “dream” as a metaphor to what my life feels like right now.
I was trying to imply that it wasnt real and maybe just that..a fucked up dream
Today was the same as every other.
Ive started taking half the dosage of sleeping pills be4 i go to work to sedate myself
they constantly have to ridicule me or anyone else around them. A good example is from yesterday.
heres a little background to the story:
my car is a piece of shit and has been falling apart lately. it has no heat ,my door doesnt close all the way and i have to exit and enter out the passenger side door. it has electrical problems so i have to disconnect the battery everywhere i go when i park or the battery will be dead. none of the interior lights work.
it basically just drives and im thankful for that.
one of my coworkers lives next door to me and sometimes i give him rides to work when he has car troubles and all he does literally everytime, is crack on how my car is a piece of shit or some other stupid comment about my car.
And when he’s not doing that,hes making fun of me because im black and i listen to “whiteboy music” (and alot of people i work with do this part also). if it isnt that,im always getting ripped on for how i dress. i dont dress to extremes , i wear your normal walmart cheap clothes. everyone i work with or people i know outside of work wear name brands or dress to stereotypes.
I try so many times to tell myself i dont care what they say but in the end im just burnt out on it . thats why i try as little as possible to interact with people.
another example, i wear one piece of finger armor,one friggin piece, not to look cool or stand out…just because i like it…well the other day at a bookstore, i was buying a metal edge magazine and the clerk looks at my ring and then the magazine and then me and finally says “youre not one of those crazy cult types are you”
I said nothing back, forced a fake smile and left with my mag, trying to force back the thoughts of me jumping over the counter and strangling her.
then theres the guy i work with who assumes that just because i know a girl , any girl, that im “fucking her” and if i say im not, he makes gay jokes and all other kinda crap about it.im really sick of the machismo attitude alot of guys i know display. it pisses me off to no end. today he tried the same crap and i tried to just be silent and pretend he didnt exist.he kept being beligerant and pestering me.
Ill leave it at that.
umm, can u tell us what the dream is about?? I’d like to know, if ur willing to share. and I know how u feel. Well in a way I guess. Try being from a small town (i’m assuming ur not here) and having to see the same ppl. all the time and having everyone know ur business. It sucks. I think it’s cool u just come here to rant. What a great way to end A crapy day, right?
**kisses**
Hello AvatarZero,
been trying to email you for a while but your address doesn’t seem to be working, I keep getting ‘undevilvered’ each time. I really do like your web site that you put up and wanted to say so, so email me, I’d like to here from you as I really do like your writing and I do know where you’re coming from some.
My life’s not perfect either and people don’t understand me either most of the time, sometimes I wonder if they even listen to what I am saying, much less understand. I’m another for feeling depressed from time to time and with few friends at the moment. Good to see you writing down your thoughts and I’d agree with a lot of what you’re saying.
Voltarrens
I pretty much spent four years living in the shittiest apartment in all of Chicago (just look for the one with the rat shaped holes in the roof, and the fire damage from the malfunctioning water heater, and the neighbours with the bloody Nelly obsession). I spent from eight till six working at a dump paying for this place where I couldn’t even stand to breathe. It aint a fun life to be in, is it? It’s hard to have a direction when you can’t see anything but this.
And then my father died, left me fuckloads of money …. and I still wasn’t happy till I did something about my life. I made some real friends, and they’re good for me. And I learned that i DO care what other people think – but you just have to select those whose opinions really matter.
If your neighbour comments about your car, refuse to give the guy lifts. Tell him to buy a goddamned car that works, or fuck off and stop bitchin bout yours.
But try not to be so down on people for being a little empty when they talk to you. They’ve probably been pretty much hollowed out like a pumpkin by the same experiences that have made you want to avoid people for the rest of your life. They’re probably stuck in a dead end job with no real friends to speak of too.
This is probably going to be a passing stage in your life, and if it isn’t then make it one. Just …. I dunno get out and try to experience this thing called life coz it doesn’t really sound to me like you’re trying. But hell, you’re probably sick of trying by now …. life’s like a fuckin treadmill sometimes isn’t it – keep on running get nowhere.
But it aint about the finish line, it’s the race that makes it worthwhile.
Till you get the energy or inclination to put yourself out there, get msn, come talk to me, on …. allifeelishappy@hotmail.com
I’m really not all that nice of a person but at least I’ll give a shit when u talk to me. You sound pretty cool anyway, but it’s always the good ones that are underappreciated.
Oh yeah and sleeping pills …. not such a good plan. If you should happen to find something (or make something) better for yourself, you don’t want your heart to stop just as the going gets good.
Later, Dam.
P.S. You think the gay jokes are bad now … try moving in with ya boyfriend, THEN see how bad they get.
Hi you know Avatar, I care and even though I’m not in the same situation as you, I know someone how you feel…I have a journal of just venting and it helps a lot and knowing that people care is comforting too. I’m genuine I do know a lot of fake people that don’t give a shit and only care about themselves. Actually I don’t know any sincere people it’s sad. Anyways I thought I’d let you know that you are free to talk to me anytime i have msn-nic_n_sweet@msn.com so please if you EVER need to talk or feel like venting to somebody, find me and I’ll be here.
sorry i messed up it’s nic_n_sweet@msn.com
~Ashleigh~
Hm. You know… I agree with blacklight. And you do sound like a nice guy.
There’s a lot of fake people out there, but there’s also some good ones. Just keep looking, and I’m sure you’ll find a person who’s sick of everything, too.
And if you live in a bigger city, there’s probably clubs or something you could go to on some occasion. I know that doesn’t sound all that appealing, so make sure it will be a night when there’s tolerable music. And talk to people there.
Oh, and with the people who ask things such as “how are you?”, try not to think of that as a recording, but an icebreaker. They don’t know you well, so maybe they don’t know anything better to say.
I don’t know why I’m saying this, since I have such a negative outlook on things, too. Oh well.
Anyway, I’m feeling the peer pressure and giving you my email address as well. *grins*
It’s dreams.of.glass@vampirefreaks.com
I hope you have a nice night,
Claire
I’d just like to say I appreciate evryones willingness to listen and be there.
I might just take some of you up on the offer to talk sometime….
As always ill be on here at night after work. You guys/gals feedback alone just made my day today, and im grateful for that…. its broken a piece of the monotony.
you’re welcome