I don’t like talking about how shitty my life can get, because that’s when I get people’s pity. Plus people have their own problems to deal with; they don’t need to worry about mine. It’s not as bad as it could be, and it’s not like I’m ungrateful for what I have. Just sometimes it gets to me. Everything gets to me. I get angry, I get sad, I get quiet, and I lose myself in thought.
The feelings of loss and desire blind my vision, and cause me to experience an endless series of emotions; unwanted ones at that. And then I compare everything to the truth: how fake everything is, how trying is the first step of failing, how everything about this world is just so fucked. And then I hate myself for thinking about how bad I seem to have it. Like I said, I’m not ungrateful.
But talking about some of the things that have happened doesn’t change how I feel, and it doesn’t make anything better; and it certainly doesn’t solve the problems we all face. Some people like to talk about their problems, because it gives them the label of being screwed up-and it gives them an excuse to act how they act; As if it all was their only attribute. Like, if someone decides to get wasted every night and then blames the choices they’ve made on their parents. Others use drugs, sex, crime as a way of blowing off steam – as an escape that we all desire. I could use my past as an excuse to be the way that I am. But it would only prove that I’m foolish enough not to take responsibility for my actions.
I’m not sure if those who smoke or drink, proclaim that what they’ve chosen to do with their life is their choice; and only theirs. We all have fears, we all feel hatred, and we all have our problems. The way we deal with the loneliness and the numbness from all the hurts is our decision. Sure, we have reasons. We feel a certain way and act a certain way, usually because something horrible has happened to us. We act “irresponsibly”, and thats usually when we find our peace. I just wish most people understood that what we do to deal with everything is our choice… And only ours. One person could have the worst home life ever, and still go to school, make the grade, and avoid ending up like their parents the best they can. And then there could be another; shitty homelife, shitty in school – and are doomed to end up doing what they hate most.
But perhaps there really is no hope for a resolution; for anything. If I know being miserable will be the whole of my future, I might as well live the lie the best I can since I can’t change anything and what I think will never matter. It’s all anyone can do.
But hey, that’s just what I think. I can’t say that its hardcore fact, and I cant speak for everyone. Just a few thoughts, and a few contradictions to what some people and even I believe.
-mer
woah, scary you just explained and discribed me from the past few months (or my life), and the really scary thing is a friend of mine and i just ended up in a fight and then resolved it but it was over this shit exactly. anyway i totally agreewith your thoughts.
im glad its not just me 🙂
-mer
nope not all you 😉 oh any time you’d like to talk email me @ Beth@gothstone.com
woah. Me all over again. It’s my life I read here but the funny thing is I’m not the one writing and it didn’t only happen to me. Nice
thanks