Hi there! Whilst I was thinking and wondering about myself again, I wondered as well, how many people also feel this way or do this or blah…
Well, here is, what I wanted to know, who of you has/does/thinks/etc this aswell
1. I scratch, cut and hit (and starve). When I scratched myself I always like to look upon those red lines/?! across my belly/chest and find them in a strange way…beautiful?! The sight somehow pleases me…Though when I cut myself (wich is with a paperclip/scissor/blade)…I somehow dont like it, kind of more regret it than scratching (witch I actually do not regret at all I guess)…. Though at the moment…I kind of dont care…I feel like mindless, like not myself/under my control, doing it like some automatic thing…and I lik the blood…
2. Apart from the fact that I hate myself, I hate my body (wich is why I starve myself, at least thats what I think,what it seems to me…), but especially, I (seem to) hate my hair?! I dont know…I like to rip out those little hairs on my fingers/hands with my teeth and now that my last girlfirend quit me I somehow want to get rid of all my hair on my head (just like the last time a girlfriend left me)…maybe its because she didnt want me to cut it down that short, but I somehow feel like I really hate it, like its not part of me, that it doesnt belong on my head and that i want to get rid of it! The same is for my eyebrows…Id somehow like to shave them away too…hm… in a way its also like simply changing myself…
3. hm…somehow I feel like I forgot the third point…maybe there never was one…perhaps itll come to me later…enough for now…intereseted in your comments
I think you’re sick 😐
i feel like that too…
whenever i feel powerless….
i sit and i just scratch myself with my nails
im afraid to cut…and i throw up…
and i dont eat..and i feel to cut off my hair
although i cant bring myself to doing it…
but i understand what you mean
its like….ure powerless
so you have to know that u at least have power over your body
i understand….i really do.
@corpscollector:
Well it’s allright of you to think so…guess I am, think of myself the same…
Is there sth that makes you think that or is it just in general?
@unkeptsecret:
it’s somehow…-what-shumma-call-it-…”nice” to know that youre not “alone”…
Firstme too I was afraid of cutting myself, thought I couldn’t manage to do this to me…but I can!…A few days ago I for the first time tried to resist…I wanted to cut myself but I somehow didn’t really want to…that caused quite a conflict, because, why shouldn’t I?! But I didn’t want to…so I sat there going back and forth…I’m having this quite often in the last time, especially when I want to hit myself…and when I try to resist, its like Im going crazy, begin to shake, spasticaly, my head and facemuscles twisting….I hate it! I finally managed to get out of the bath, but I fealt…”weak”…and like I betrayed…in the end, which is a bit later, I did it anyway…I somehow dont really regret doing all this to me…
For a few weeks now, Ive been hitting myself every day, and every second day I also scratched…I somehow feel like…punishing myself…I do it because I hate myself, when Im angry…and its somehow like…i just want to do it all! the time! I could hit myself so long until I either wouldnt have the strength in my arms, or would fall unconscious, or sb would stop me..sth like that…and its because of my ex-gf…thinking of here…of “good times” (this is not ment ironically/sarcastically)…i just get mad at myself and have to punch me! She got a bit upset when I told her that I started cutting…she said she thought it better if we wouldn’t have any contact now for a while…great…just pisses me off the more, but its better i guess…well…guess i could go on for several pages, but ill settle with this…
gn
Have you ever tried taking your frustration out on something else? And I DON’T mean someONE else! Instead of scratching myself I get a pen and scribble so hard it tears the paper, until my arm hurts. Instead of shaving off my hair, I colour it and get it cut in some new style. Insead of cutting myself I run, as fast and as hard as I can, expecially at night, until my lungs are on fire and my head feels like it’s about to explode. Sometimes I touch a pin to the back of my hand, wanting for no reason at all to push it straight through, but it’s only the anticipation of the feeling I like, because as soon as I try to do it the feeling changes and I have to stop. (I HATE pain!) There are alternatives! Next time you feel like punching yourself, throw something or hit a punching bag. You really need a release, and you need to turn it away from yourself to do it. (Hey, maybe Tai Chi? It’s all about self control and balance right? It’ll challenge you.) But if you have to be violent, find some way of turning taking that energy out on something else. I dare you.
well…thank you Audryn
But I dunno how good thatll work for me, at least/especially at the moment…
When I want to hit myself, its not that I have to get some anger/aggression loose, its just, that I need to punch me in the face, or stomach or what ever… this might be with the strangest about me, but I feel like having another “me” inside of me and this “me” wants to hurt me, not I myself?!….
Last holyday…we were visiting my grandmother and I slept in my own room. Im actually afraid of the dark, and when I had to fetch sth and had to walk through the dark house I got this icky feeling in my back, like I always get it when Im somewhere dark. When I was back in my bed it was still there, only this time I felt like scratching it from my back…but I didnt want to, still there was some thrive to it and after some time I threw myself on my bed, crying and scratching the mattress…and while I scratched the mattress…I somehow got the feeling, that some kind of “demon” was in control of my arm and just wanted to scratch…ever since then, this has evolved…at the moment I feel like hes kind of in control of me, so I rarely try to resist hurting myself… a few days ago I lay on my bad and I somehow felt like “I” was coming and wanted to “rape” me, which means hit and scratch me (or rather make me do this) and getting off on it! “I” was like begging and I started crying, I felt so shit because I didnt want to – and because I once again noticed how fucking sick my mind is! Hurting myself has sth sexual to “me”…sometimes, when I scratch surfaces (like, when I walk in a hall and scratch the wall while passing) I can feel a lust growing in me…like “I” getting randy or sth! I can really feel a lust to scratch myself then…and the more I scratch the surface the more intense it gets…
Well, years ago, when I even had no idea what hurting yourself means I used to punch my pillows, yes…. but I dunno if this would even work for me…I will at least try (to try)…
Your “hair-advice”: I simply had to shave it off! There was simply no other way…it was quite a fucked up feeling to hate my hair and get sick of the feeling that they’re on my head, like them pulling on my skin/bone…
apart from that, when I try to resist, I get this fucked up feeling, that Im weak, and that I let “me” down or sth…i dunno how to describe it…it just makes me feel bad and having kind of dumb pangs of conscience…just some fucked up vicious circle…
I think cutting is silly – i always say this. You need to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself before you can love and be comfortable with someone else. If you’re not happy within your own life you can’t possibly make the people around you happy.
anyway, good luck
Vix
x
hm…i see your point, but actually Im able to love sb – to really love her – and to be nice to people.and even sometimes make em happy …but i think the problem about not loving yourself is, that you may even love sb too much because of that!
I had a gf and somewhen while our relationship I started having selfhate problems again and I thought to myself “How can I love her though/while I hate myself, my life?!” I came to the conclusion that she was my life, thats because I love her…I was so fond and proud about this realisement (?!) and thought Id make her happy, but (luckily) she had me run against the wall, by telling me, that she didnt want to be my life and that it was no good! That was the best thing she could do!
I dont think that when you hate your self that your inable to love sb else and/or give love and comfort to this sb. I myself, have so much love to spend! But on the other hand Im so deeply in need of sb to love me! I just had this split-up and thats kind of the worst thing that can happen to me in my life…love just means everything to me…its kind of my lifes purpose…though I see your point, in having to be in unison with yourself
i see a need to control things in your life. when something bad happens, you have that to fall back on. or perhaps im rationalizing
what do you mean by “you have that to fall back on”/”rationalizing”?!
Now I’m no trained specialist, but it sounds almost like you’re suffering from ‘multiple personality disorder’. Please don’t think I’m insulting you, but perhaps you should see a psychologist? They may be able to help. I wish I could do more, but I’m just a little person. Good luck with everything.
P.S You wanted to say “realisation” when you wrote “realisement” in that 2nd last comment. Couldn’t help but share. Sorry! 🙂
thanks 🙂
I dont take your…”diagnose” as an insult 🙂 hm…I dunno if its really a mpd or anything like that…dunno, maybe just too much phantasy goin crazy?! ;)…hm…I been going to a Psychologist for a couple of years…and just “split up” shortly before I started scratching and stuff…..maybe I should start seeing him again, he said I could do so when ever I want to…though somehow…the thought never really gets any “attention” or “priority”…and I still hope that itll go away, or rather calm down when I got over all this break up, love shit Im going through at the moment…well, well…my big brother and (hopefully) his wife will come to visit us this weekend and Im planning to tell them…*sigh*…
and by the way: You also recommended me to get my what-so-ever out in other ways…on monday I had sports and was quite exhausted after that. I still felt the urge, the wanting to hit myself (etc) but I was too weak, I could have my arm do it :)…so its in a way a help…
i had that when i was like fourteen or somethin. some stupid kid age where you don’t even know what ya doin.
i started tatooing words like fuckup and useless all over my body too.
please don’t sit back n hope it’ll go away cuz it almost certainly won’t. Bad shit doesn’t just come and go, you influence it, whether you realize you’re doing it or not. If you can make it go away once all the “love shit” has gone, then you can make it go now. Give your mental health some priority, coz you’ll miss it when it’s gone completely 🙂
oh yeah, and vix has a point too – people will always see the bits of yourself you try to hide. if you hate yourself then the people you love will see it. true story.
thing is, if they love you then you have every reason to love yourself – but then it’s so much easier to see beauty in other people isn’t it?
oh and if you wanna be hairless, that’s cool. your body after all right?
🙂 I’m really glad it helped a bit. Keep it up. And I definitley have to agree with blacklight about making your mental health a priority. It will be the most important thing you’ll ever do for yourself. Good luck with everything! 🙂
Well thank you guys! Actually when I had first posted this I never thought of that I might get some kind of advice or help 🙂 Thanks again!
Blacklight, I dunno how much you know selfhate yourself but actually being loved doesnt make you love yourself, sad but true. Of course, you think for yourself “They must love me for some reason, I cant be that bad”…but somehow it doesnt work?!
By the way, what do you mean by “your body after all right?”
Thanks again for everything 🙂
One thought occured to me today. Before you drive yourself to the point of exhaustion exorcising regularly, perhaps you should get a doc to check that there’s nothing that could go wrong physically. You know, heart problems or anything like that. Just a thought.
And I think blacklight meant “(IT’S) your body after all right?”
Well, somehow it all kind of stopped?! Yes…I do still feel the urge to hit/scratch/cut myself though it is by far not as…powerful/controlling as before?! I havent done any of that for days…not really… Recently I had hit myself…but somehow it seemed so…desperate? Like a little child that has to jump in order to still miss you…thats the picture that came to my mind that very moment…”I” was kind of desperatly trying, seeming like a little child, inable, and me being kind of superior?!… But there is still this…”guilty” feeling, like “why shouldnt I”…its like Id let a “duty” down…like I didnt do my homework…strange….but actually I dont think of it too often…
But there still is this fucking urge…and “I” not always a “child”……..
Im not quite sure how this change came, but I have a theory:
I got a LiveJournal and I once posted yth about me cutting myself. My ex new I scratch and hit, but when she read this she got kind of angry-upset…like “why the fuck did you do this! well, if you wanna ruin yourself, go ahead!” Then she read another post of mine where I mentioned sth about us splitting up and me hitting myself and she thought I started cutting because of her, which aint completely right, its because of the split-up…well… OK, she said she thought it’d be better if we wouldnt have any contact for a while and that was quite a shock to me! First it made me hurt myself the more I guess…but somehow now…it seems to have numbed it…like “Stop doing this shit, or Ill never talk to you again!”…maybe thats what my subconscious thought to myself…well…lets have a look how things evolve
yes, blacklight grew up in chicago and has terrible grammar. so sue me.
audryn, omniscient as always. *grin*
Bless you my son. 😉
Have you ever thought of suicide(not suggesting you should) just asking if you have
Yes I have, though I guess not seriously…now after the split up I had them again, but soon started to act against them, though I had this feeling that I still might do it…when Im just not myself…when I would lose too much control over myself, that I might just hop o’er the edge…
about how things will evolve: The Urge has returned! most of all the one to cut I guess… but worst I think have my attacks/fits become! When ever I see my ex in school (and I just want to see her, when I “know” she is around…I just want to!) and kind of because of any reason I get them! It isnt easy to describe what theire like…and what their reasons are… most of it is that I kind of lose control over my body and start shaking, my arms cramping and beeing “epileptic” and my head/neck twitching, me making strange noises and I just feel shit….somehow reminds me of that Im fighting to keep control, to keep “me” away….?! What helps is to hit or scratch, just for a moment…what works best is to “dig” my fingernails into my palm(s)…that calms down!
This we my brother and his wife are visiting and Im planning to tell them…I just hope I wont hurt them too much and lay to much a burden on them…those are two points why Im still thinking not to do it…hm…
Definately tell them. You don’t need to go through this on your own, and I’m sure that they would want to know. I know I would if I was them!
In terms of hurting them, they’ll feel much more hurt if you don’t tell them and they somehow find out later. They’ll think you don’t trust them. And sometimes sharing your burden can make it easier to carry.