Why can’t I just do it??

Why can’t I kill myself?? Why do I get scared? I want to do it, but I have such a conscience…I thought I had enough prowess to do it…but I am weak. Sometimes I think maybe if I just hurt myself enough not to die, but make it applicable enough to put me in the hospital. So then I can see the reaction, of those who supposedly love me….

Then I can see if they have any compassion for me. I have always been a good girl, I was taught well enough to have decorum. I have good grades, a beautiful boyfriend, friends, everything most teens would want…Yet, I have so much antipathy towards everything….my family is gone, I have not one thing to have any alacrity towards. I wish I had a family…everyone thinks my life is absolute quintessance, if they only knew the real picture. I put on the greatest act, and I thought it would be enough to keep the pain from showing….. The only thing that even remotely alleviates the pain…..are these infinitesimal marks all over my body. I am usually a very magnanimous person, and usually very vivacious….but now I find myself more phlegmatic, and more mandatory towards others. I feel like I am beset by something…..but I have so many problems. I have never felt this dissonant in my entire life…..I just wish I didn’t feel like this. I need good in my life…I need something good to imbibe. I just wish I had someone to elucidate my feelings….ofcourse I am the only one who can find out my feelings. I think I am going insane, I feel so sedate. Although I have these feelings inside….all I can do is sit and think. I can only belittle the world, and feel so sorry for myself. I feel like I am pathetic…look at me, writing…how is this going to help me? I still keep writing though….I am still a person. I still want, feel, need, things in life….family, or some type of asset…I want to be exuberant about life. I can’t…..I have come to my ultimatum. I am going to just do it.

By quintessance

I love my fiance', forever....