He was like in my craziest dreams, everything ! From his qualities, to the sound of his voice, to his name until the sweetness of his body… everything corresponded to what i ‘ve ever dreamed.
I was completely devoted to him, I really loved him, with my soul, amy body and all the love a girl can have at 18 years old… everything was perfect ! each kiss was like an electric shock, every time he looked at me my heart became inflamed….
But as in every love story, he left me….
And I was lost… lost in a trouble fog of pain… I wandered as undead without anything in mind but his image, his face, his smile, his glance on me…
My only loyal friends were Loneliness, Emptiness, and darkness of feelings. But these friends helped me to live, to survive without him.
Somedays i woke up and i couldn’t feel anything, neither pain nor sadness, some others morning, it was like he was here…
-‘My love… wake up, he said in whispers, it’s time to go’…
The sound of his deep voice as caress in my ear, the smell of his parfum, the softness of his skin, the taste of his lips on mine… he is back ! And i woke up suddendly my face swamped with tears…
Am i becoming crazy !
Why my head does this to me ! My body is so painful… I cannot breathe, just cry… cry all the tears i can have and this grief ! Deep rooted in my stomach….
-It’s not fair to suffer like that ! why me ! what is my crime ! my voice is broken by tears… i try to shout again again the roof as if someone could hear me, could see me and feel some pity and bring him back to me… but i’m alone… who cares to a girl who has just a broken heart ?
Sensations of emptiness, Anger, a deep pain coming from my stomach and preventing me from speaking, breathing, thinking… my body, my soul and my thinkings are just shreded by this deep will of die. I want to diseappear. Life is unfair
After a hard day of lectures, with people totally stupids who don’t know how to speak, just complain.
I’m back in my little student home… In my dark and depressive silence but so comforting…
Open the door, light some candle, take a bath and cry again….
-‘i wish you were here… i’m so alone…. why do you left me… why everybody try to separate us… why they succeed ! …. I want to die…I don’t want to live without You, but i can’t do it ! i’m too stupid, too childish, too scared…. that’s why you go away… WHERE ARE YOU ! I’M DIFERENT NOW ! come back, please… just. come back and tell me if you hate me for what i’ve done…’
A bath for nothing , like everyday!
Still sad and depressive… Still this pain inside of me. Why am i obliged to have feelings, sensations… I just want to be alone, with an emptied, blanked head…
I go in my room, and lie on my bed… i’m so tired… maybe i could die tonight ?
I fall asleep, still wet on my bed, naked… yes i will be ill and die….
I suddendly began to laugh, insane and sarcastic laugh…
I can’t stop laughing ! i aml naked on my bed still wet and my body is shaken by my madness and my roar of laughter….