I used to have this little aching feeling in my heart. No matter what I was doing it wouln’t go away. When I’d had a particularly bad day, it got worse.
Some days I would not even get out of bed. Other days i’d burst into tears because I couldn’t get the knots out of my hair. Someone would try to joke with me at work, and I’d almost literaly bite their heads off. I was lonely, I was depressed, and I was (for lack of a better term) a complete bitch.
Then I decided enough was enough. (Ok, so it wasn’t realy a sudden thing.) I made new friends (which wasn’t easy.) I started walking more. Made myself get out of bed no matter what mood I was in.. took a shower, made coffee, and got dressed up, even if I was just going to sit out on my porch.
Started showing my poems and stories to friends, and talking and spending more time with my family. Cut down on my drinking (which had never been much in the first place, but could have been). I even told my best friend about my cutting and how depressed I got, and discoverd to my great amazement that she new exactly what I was feeling, and wasn’t going to think less of me because of it. Now that I’m finaly starting to like who I am, I’ve even managed to meet a decent man whom respects my feelings and opinions.
Ok. So I still absolutly loathe my job, but I don’t take it home anymore. I admit my finances need a little work. And I still occasionaly throw a hair brush across the room. But I’m not going to let it run my life.
I sit down every night when I come home and think of at least one could thing that happened. I used to complain without end about all the bad stuff and completely over look the good. Ok…so I still complain about it…but I keep it to the point.
I owe a great deal of my current outlook and strength to this site. It was such a relief to be able to go some place that I wasn’t alone. And could vent without getting laughed at. I almost always get support here.
I just thought I should let all of you know how much I appreciate you. And more specificaly you Sire, for spending so much time and effort to give all of us a place to go.
I know this isn’t written in the usual tone of my comments, but I just felt like saying it.
Thanks,
~n~
i used to go through each day seeing so much pain, so much hate… so much bad. i wondered what the point of the world was if all anyone ever did was hurt others or themselves, (i was one of those that hurt themselves but that’s beside the point). day in and day out i failed to see what the point of living was. i began looking at better things, sure, but still i questioned my being here. until someone special said something to me. he saw that i was depressed, of course. but he told me that i wasnt letting myself be happy. he told me that if someone cant be happy on their own then how can being with someone else be truly wonderful? (i was dating him, and still kinda am, at the time.) anyway, to get to the point, i am now much happier. i suppose it just takes someone proving you wrong to change your life. i now go out and do more, have more fun, and enjoy each minute of the day and night. good and bad are both part of life… but the good is better by far.
Life to me is like a roadtrip. At first, the road is familiar and you feel so damn safe. You know your way. Then comes the scary bit … where you get lost in eight square feet of squiggly lines and incomprehensible writing they like to call a map, trying to find out where you’re meant to be going. Then comes the inevitable wrong turns and dead ends where you get stuck and can’t seem to find your way back out again. Then crossroads and roundabouts where you don’t have a clue which turning to take. Not to mention that you think you’re choking from the fumes and pollution of those around you.
But then you hit the countryside, get out of the smog and fog and confusion and start to see stuff clearly.
That’s kinda where I am right now. I guess you’re right about here too. Sitting back and enjoying the view? Good … me too 🙂 Nice, isn’t it?
Just remember to keep going in the right direction and you’ll be fine. God knows you deserve it .
Goodnight
::B::
Way to go …it sounds like you really have it together now……..and I think you are way kewl.. 😉
It takes a hell of a lot of effort to get yourself out of that rut of depression… its so easy just to let it slide and stay sad and angry at everyone and everything (Been there too :-/) But you’ve done it. Congratulations, you’re in control 🙂 Remember that if it ever starts to creep up on you again, because you can cope, and you will get over it. Good Wishes always…
@–;-;—
congrats, you’ve dug your way out of the dark pit =o) dont let yourself fall back in,
I think your controlling everything beautifully and i hope its stays that way for you
TiNk xx
congratulations! I only wish I had your strength. Each day I wake up and try to put a smile on my face and think of the great things to come and time with my boyfriend. But, through it all it seems like my life is a heavy fog that keeps building, and underneath is a lost soul. Now all I do is get angry at everyone for the most stupid reasons and act like a complete bitch. Then I have spontanious bursts of tears and crying. I can’t even control my emotions. It is to the point where I feel sorry for myself, and that is the worst thing to do. It just makes me more depressed. I know I have a problem. but I am having the hardest time getting rid of it. I hate hurting the ones I love with threats and spasms of violence. I envy you.
Use conditioner. No one likes to work anyways 😛
My dark queen, where their is a will, there is not a way – strive and our kind will inherit the earth..
ok…
first..i do use conditioner, you should see these curls…
second..that is not at all relevent,
and third…I highly doubt that you’re even close to my worst nightmares
~n~
welcome to reality…..i’ve gone through that also, i’ve got a nice fat spiral notebook full of disturbing thoughts. I’ll share them sometime with you all 🙂
Well. I can’t claim to know even myself, but some distantly live part of me is grinning like an Ifrit playing with a volcano. Just hope I don’t burn too. Hmm… reality isn’t so much conception, as it is perception. Nothing is real but what you know is.
“Don’t let your buttons get pushed by shoving them in someone’s face.” -one of my comments in response to a colleage being harassed
I see everyone speak of someone close to them (Boyfriend or girlfriend or just friends)
The problem is I don’t have any of those and I can relate to everything you say except the part about having someone to help you. That’s what I’m missing, and i think i need some help.
I commend thee.