If you cannot understand my thoughts, I understand. Many, many people have said that I am not
sane, and due to my young age (15) I am not eager to go and test it. I’ve been thinking
that where do I belong? Where do we belong? Because of my age I haven’t seen and experienced life
enough to say anything, but I say, nevertheless.
I’ve been having this thought for some time: If this reality is so bad and evil, why should I live in it?
You find much better realities inside your head, althought it is betraying yourself, but who cares about
it? Many people betray you in this reality, why don’t you, too?
People must respect you, if they
don’t they laugh at you. It is hard to rise from the laughing situation, much easier to find your own
little universe inside your head. You must not fall into state of sorrowness and self-accusations as I did
before I invented my new way of thinking. People do not laugh at me, or some people do and others don’t
but that is normal. I fell into that situation by myself, I was feeling that I am dumb and idiot, and can
you guess why?
I was thinking too much.
The world seemed to go ridiculous around me, people
were acting fooly, although they all were normal. I was not. I felt my life was hollow, and in fact I do
feel the same nowadays, though it is in the background.
If someone can understand following sentence, I will be happy. I am normal but I am not normal.
There was a time when I felt like suicide, but my different realities saved me. I think suicide is the
way of a coward, you are weak if you make suicide. There is only one but. If you try to make
suicide and fail, you feel weak also. So I don’t know which one is the right thing, and if I don’t know it
it is better to let it all just be, not to touch the topic even with a long stick… But I just touched??
I feel very paradoxal all the time, don’t mind.
Perhaps the fault is that I don’t really know how to express myself. Perhaps I would be different
if I just could go and talk to people of this, but wraiths from past come to haunt me. I feel that
talking of my problems is stupid, this kind of talking fits only to paper, not to mouth.
I have tried to express myself via internet, anonymously (not sure if spelled right), with different
rate of success (this is my best try so far), but every time I try to go and talk of my problems iRL,
I feel so stupid that I leave it all be.
In a nutshell I’m too afraid to reveal my true nature in real life, I have my dark side, you know…
Should I talk about it? Sorry if I kill some of you because I am boring, but perhaps this planet
has people on it who doesn’t feel my thoughts so boring.
I mean by my ‘dark side’, that I.. uhh.. that I am a madman. One fruit of my mind is the following
thought:
If everyone thinks that I am insane, then I am. Community makes the rules, and if community
really thinks you’re not sane, then you are not sane. Your own opinion doesn’t count, or if it counts
it drowns into a flood of millions of opposite opinions. I might be wrong, but sadly no-one can turn my
head in this. I want that someone could, but in my head this thought is far to obvious.
Enough of that.
Sometimes I am frightened because of my own thoughts. Many times I think that what would those
who love me feel, if they some day found me hanged or something… and then I try to imagine it…
It is frightening when I understand what I am doing, I try to stop it but there it is again.
Usually I think ‘good stuff’, but sometimes thoughts like that come into my mind and I DON’T WANT IT!
Perhaps I really am crazy or I am just different, and in that case I don’t want to be different, I want
to be a normal guy who doesn’t think anything, just lives the ongoing moment, and, did I say already
DOESN’T THINK!!
Thinking is good, very good indeed, but because I am stupid my thoughts don’t count anywhere
so it would just be the same if I didn’t born. I really hate my mind, myself, though I try to escape it
by carrying my consciousness deeper into my mind, trying to forget who I really am.
Because I am nothing, it should be easy to forget, but more I try to, the more I see myself acting the
way I don’t want to act.
I am just so stupid.
Nox, you sound like you are confused, but believe me you are not. Insane… well, i know for sure that I am, though possibly others might disagree. They call me foolish, I call myself gullible, it’s all words. The brain which houses the mind doesn’t always work very well, or rather it works brilliantly but a little overtime, like tonight as i cannot sleep because it won’t shut up, and instead of shutting itself off, it decides to go over shit that I would have liked to have been over and done with years ago already. It thinks up things when it’s bored, or when you are not commanding it. I feel badly for you that you feel different, but you are not alone in this either. It is said that if you think you are insane, then you are not. Thank you, because I thought I was the only one who was insane and knew it. Please email me if you like.
Nox: BPD or mild Schizophrenia perhaps (at most.) However I feel that most of the people here (me included) suffer in some way or another. Mad’s a relative thing. To us, you’re fine. To the average gall or guy you meet on the street…
You may have *quirks*, but screw it, everyone in the whole world does.
Do you want to kill me?
Now there’s a silly thought….
Hi! I`m sorry my English isn`t very good, I just wanted 2 say I understand you completely! Actually, I haven`t ever read a text like yours, this are just my thoughts, it could have been by me. I´m always thinking, what you write, but I never could say this in words, it was just a part of the chaos in my head, and its always a great feeling, when someone helps me facing a part of this chaos!
Especially,I agree to what you write about thinking, I just what to stop thinking that shit that is always in my head, confusing me, stupid thought without beginning, and without end, they just show me, that there is no sense in what were´re doing here. I think I am stupid, in a certain way because whatever I´m thinking, it has no results.
Well, I just wanted to say that
Ok, i bet even the “normal” people think stuff like that sometimes, people just don’t talk about it for fear of what others will think. Thought is part of human nature, that’s just what we do, we think, we anylize, we question. It’s a great idea to tell people what you’re thinking, lets all share and expand our minds some more, share ideas maybe never ventured into before by others. About the insanity thing, think it’s possible there are people who actually want to be insane? or at least want to have that label? I mean, you hear people say they are insane all the time, who, when you think about it arent, but still say they are, and then laugh. Ive known one person who actually is clinically insane, and it’s nothing like this, sure he thinks up some freaky shit, but it goes a little farther than just thinking things. anyways point is, there is power in the word, people think i’m insane and i let them think it, it gives me power over them, you can say and do whatever and people think nothing of it, because your insane, people leave you the fuck alone, because youre insane. i’m not saying everyone who says they are insane really isnt and just wants that label, but there are people like that, and i think that fact is quite interesting to think about.
bloodkitten@darksites.com
dude, don’t feel bad. it’s safe to say (i hope, i think), that everyone on here is, in one form or another, on one level or another. there have been times (more than i’d like to admit) that i have said the *SAME* things to myself, and asked myself the *SAME* questions. i know what it’s like. if you need to talk to somebody, hit me back. here’s my e-mail if you want.
Mortiki@DreamingDemons.zzn.com
Just let me know dude, I’ll do what I can to help you out, if you want.
– Mortiki
Nox
I can understand exactly where your comming from.
I’ve thought some way wanged out shit in my time.
Still do. That is the joy of living in a free country. Your free to think and say whatever you like, or feel. Without fear of being torn apart. Some people may not like what you say, so what. Some people may not agree with what you say, so what.
I just wanted to write because I’ve had many thoughts on suicide before. I personally wouldn’t ever carry any of them through, I love being alive. But there was this one I had for some time, and I don’t really know why. I used to Imagine what everyone at school would think, what their faces would look like? The parking lot at school was right next to the smoking area. The teachers didn’t approve of us smoking but they figured it was better than letting the cops cause us more problems, plus it was their way of figuring out who smoked dope, as all those idiots would walk off in a large group together towards the woods. Gee guys thats not obvious or nothing. Anyways I used to wonder what peoples reactions would be if I just walked out to my car during lunch opened the trunk casually and pulled out a pistol stuck it to my head and waived good bye as I pulled the trigger. No note no reason, just wondered what the look of shock and disbelief would be like.
Here’s my outlook on life –
We’re all set on this earth to accomplish a certain mission. Some of us find it and complete it, and their life’s quest is over, unless they find a new mission. Others never find it and give up, which adds up to suicides and strange unsolved deaths. Some get a long window of opportunity to accomplish their goal, while others don’t. Life kinda sucks that way.
However, I do believe that fate gives everybody at least that one chance, and those who don’t get it in their life will be given another try at it through reincarnation. (Come back, Cobain!)
So, my advice, find your life’s mission, and go complete it. And don’t wuss out like Mother Teresa did, and go help the world over. Each mission is specific. If that old hag lived untill 200, she still wouldn’t have gotten it right.
Lastly, I applaud you on deciding not to commit suicide. I’m one of those wierdos that believe in pro-life and in the “Dubya”. (I wonder what would have happened if the mothers of the pro-choice activists aborted their children…)
This may confuse you but I know not how you feel though I have felt those emotions before…
You are one person who unlike many others has the ability to express your opinions on yourself and you have decided to take a real hacking into yourself…
You are not crazy as being crazy is normal but there again is no such thing as normality so you are simply one of us…
I only recently came out of my depression and only saw the world as a place where everyone was so stressed out and they had too much on their minds at the one time and such and soo forth…
Only in the last couple of days have I come to realise that it is not them who are stressed it is me, I was looking at the world the wrong way, I wasn’t having any fun and was taking everything in life as serious as it gets…
My brother who is one year younger than me has started to show me that I have too *chill out* in order to start living a better life, slow down, have some fun, make people laugh and you will feel better about yourself…
Noone is an average human cos we are all made different and we all react differently, you have to find something that you can do for another that makes you smile (even if it is just a small smirk) and think to yourself that life is short and if we think too much or try to live a proper and ordinary life then we are not going to get anything done in reality, we have to help other by doing the small things in their life that make them smile…
I once wrote (I don’t know if it was written by someone else or not) that if a man says a wise thing than he is a wise man but if a man says a wise thing and lives by it then he is a much wiser man than the one before him…
Hope this helped some
Tris
Indeed, thats very true. I remember in high school I used that to my advantage. There are to this day people out there who will walk on the other side of the street just to avoid me. Perhaps it is part of our selective nature, with regards to what kind of people we allow to influence us. Sometimes you can’t just call someone a moron, no matter how bad you may want to. Yet you don’t want them around you either. So instead you purposely offend them. However even that has its down sides.
As for wanting to be insane, I don’t know. There are times when I wish I could just be completely catatonic. Well maybe not quit catatonic, I would like to still be able to walk to the stereo and switch cd’s. Ya know I really can’t explain it but I have this thing for asylums, I don’t know why. Sometimes I wish I were in one, and sometimes it seems that the world at large is a giant one, and the only safe and sane people are locked away.
Meandering thoughts of the overcaffinated……